A Chill Setting In

The title of my post today denotes my figurative and literal feelings at this moment, let me explain….

In the literal sense…it is COLD outside…finally some of the still green leaves will lend a bit of color to my outdoor scene, before winter snow begins…I miss seeing the brilliant autumn colors of the eastern United States.

Some of the trees have a bit of color…but for the most part they are still green.

In the figurative sense…a chill set in thinking about the fact that I need to somehow venture outside these four walls of my P.T.S.D. cave to do a little work before winter.

Droplets of water…after yesterday’s rain…but not frozen…Yet!

I need to get the hummingbird in and change the dead flowers for some silk winter ones, so I can see something pretty from the window…maybe silk autumn leaves first.

Then I need to get the Hummingbird feeder from the tree, so it will not freeze and meet the same demise as last years model.

Not to mention the terracotta planters…the biggest of which did not see the soil, nor what I intended to plant in it…and the smaller ones, though perfect for halloween…need to have the dead plants attended to…then they need to come in so they will not crack in the winter cold.  Hopefully next year I can venture out to plant something beautiful…or tasty!

Sadly never filled.

Sadly neglected.

Last but not least is the hose that needs to be brought in so it will not freeze and the two outdoor faucets that need protective coverings, allowing them not to get frozen, crack and flood the basement.

All this…taking of pictures to show you my intended duties are what put the figurative chill in me…because just taking the pictures frazzled my nerves.

I love Minion sayings!

That is why I put the above minion picture in…fits me to a “T”!

Then I have been going through the MOUNDS…and I truly mean MOUNDS of knit and crochet items, piling up on my writing area and around my rooms in bags, boxes (sorry for the poor pictures…lighting not so good in the early morning when these were taken), etc..

  Piled High…  and More

 It keeps on going…and after all this, I found one thing I did not complete…now I’m wondering exactly what it could be… ?????

In going through all of them…and the storage spaces (for items gently used that cold be sold, i.e., games, cooking items etc.).  I was hoping to have a Yard Sale.

But…you know…that means…GOING INTO THE YARD…WITH PEOPLE THERE!

So…it has been put off, weekend after weekend, until now it is colder, almost Halloween, and I’m debating if a Yard/open house would work.

I need to do something, because I’d like my writing space back.  Not that I do not love writing at the kitchen table, where I get to see the outdoors, but it is nice to separate the two…(Yes my brother, you were right).

So…I will try to rally my children, who will hopefully feel generous enough to help me for a day or two…both in getting the things done outside that need accomplished before the freeze…and in the Yard/open house I need to have, both to clear my space and make a bit of money!

Now… to set a date and push through another round of fears.

With God and my Family…I know it can be done.

Wish me luck!

The above one is a saying I saw and had to post (found on Pinterest)…to inspire me and hopefully someone else along the way!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

October 18th Celebration…Our Freedom Day!

HAPPY OCTOBER 18th

That is what we say to each other in our family…every year on this day.  Why, you might ask?  Well, it is a special day to my children and myself because that is the day we were all Free of the Abuser in our life.

All the time and waiting for court cases to end, and waiting for the ability to move to be with family…the wait was over…that was the day we walked into the courthouse bound…and came out free!

Breaking free of the chain of Abuse!

During that day at court, our abuser (their Father) gave up his parental rights…he did so to gain a lighter sentence.  That day the Judge told my children that now I was their Mother and their Father…she joked that I could scold them in one room and then take them into another room and do it again.

I could not wipe the smile off their faces…nor did I want to…It had been a very, very long time since I had seen that level of happiness in them.

We decided to go to the store and get something special for dinner that night.  You know… I don’t even remember what we got for the meal, but I do know, my oldest saw some champagne glasses…since it was Autumn, the tops of the glasses were a gold color and the stems were clear.  It was mentioned that we should get them to celebrate…So we bought four of them, along with a bottle of Sparkling Cider ( could not have the real stuff until they grew up a lot more ), along with the food and headed home.

The Halloween in the corner takes 2nd place to our October 18th Celebration Glasses.

That night we shared a meal in the dining room, and toasted with our sparkling cider…then one of my children (don’t remember who at this time) said… “we should do this every year.”

And that is how our October 18th celebration came about…We have since celebrated it, and promised each other that no matter what or where we are on that date…we would come together, spend the day…just the four of us, and have a toast in those same glasses…then with care, we pack them up, place them in a box that is marked for the occasion and put the box carefully away on the shelf until the next year.

I just wanted to share with you the Love I feel for my children, they are the true Hero’s in our story…because they were so very courageous in coming forth with things that were so very hard.  I commend them for doing so…I could not do it for myself, I truly thought I had shielded them from the abuse, and that they were not enduring it…when I finally found out, because one of my Brave children came forward, I found the courage to do something about it.  I finally became the mother they needed. I finally opened my eyes, and realized that they had seen, heard, and endured, more than I was willing to admit.

So again I say…to my children…HAPPY OCTOBER 18th, and may we share many, many more together!   I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Living with P.T.S.D.

It took a very long time for me to understand the above statement.  I was one of those who thought that something was wrong with me.  Through many counseling sessions, and Doctor visits, along with conversations with family and friends, I have now come to accept that it IS something that happened to me. I also accept that I DO have P.T.S.D.!

I thought that P.T.S.D. was something that happened only to those in the military. Boy was I wrong!  Everyone, and I mean Everyone is susceptible to the Hell that is P.T.S.D., and it is a terrifying thing to live with.

As if the trauma that got you there is not enough, they throw in Flashbacks, anxiety, Depression, and a whole boatload of other things.  This is what you have to look forward to, AFTER, the trauma!

Now, not all people (even those sharing the same traumatic experience) develop P.T.S.D.,  some people’s brains handle stress, violence,etc., different.  But there are those whose Hippocampus (learned that from my Doctor) and Amygdala don’t communicate well (my words, not the doctors…it’s what I took from the conversation).  You see…the Amygdala is the part of the brain in charge of Emotional Memory…and especially Fear related memories.  But, in cases of P.T.S.D., the persons Hippocampus (the portion in charge of placing memories in the correct order and placing it in a safe place), is suppressed.  And that…in simple terms is what causes the person with P.T.S.D., to have Flashbacks.  Those lovely things that put you right back in the midst of the situation that got you here…fun…right….NOT!!!!

Children suffer from P.T.S.D.

That being said…again, anyone is subject to acquiring P.T.S.D., given the right (or should I say Wrong) circumstances.

Of course we know that Military personnel suffer the effects of being in war situations, and can develop P.T.S.D., but so can the people who see these things, those who are living in areas where war takes place.  Also, those who see live footage on T.V., could possibly acquire P.T.S.D., if what they see makes them afraid.

Victims of Bullying, Abuse, Shootings, Bombings….first responders who see the aftermath of violent or destructive events, are also prone to P.T.S.D..  Those who work in hospitals, who see traumatic things…you see…anyone and I mean ANYONE, is at risk.

It took me a long time, as I said to admit that the Abuse I suffered could cause me to have P.T.S.D., I guess, I just thought it was anyone who was Brave, and withstood horrific things in war, that were ok to have it…. as if it were a badge of courage that they earned.  Not so…it is your own living Hell…with no escape.  You can’t wake up one day and it is gone.  There is no cure…much like some medical diseases.

You need to seek help if you have P.T.S.D., and here are some of the signs to look for…

and this is some of the treatments used…

If you have P.T.S.D., or know someone who does…HANG IN THERE!!!

It may not be curable, but there is hope to subdue some of the effects.

I was afraid to talk to anyone about my Abuse at first…I guess I thought that my abuser would somehow know that I was talking about it, and come back and follow through with the threats made against my life and the lives of those I Loved.

       

I know that he is capable of following through, because he has in the past.  But I will never heal, if I don’t talk about them…The Nightmares will never stop, if I don’t talk them through and find a place for them.  Because my Hippocampus was suppressed and did not allow the amygdala to do its job.  You see…it’s something out of our control. The only way to get any relief, is to talk to those who have been trained to help, and the ones who know what you are going through.

Does it really happen like this?

I know that therapy helps…I know I need to get back to it.  I have been away from it for some time, because I could not pay for it.  There are places though that help without you having to pay..you need to ask your Doctor…they have avenues you can use.

Let me tell you one of the ways I know that Therapy helps.  I have many recurring dreams, about things that happened…some are not real things, just something my brain makes up.  But they all seem very real, and I never fail to wake up in a sweat!

My counselor said that if we talked about them in our sessions, he felt they may subside…it’s that amygdala/hippocampus thing again…where your brain needs to process it, so it can be put in the proper place where it will not jump out and bug you again, and again.

So, he asked me to pick one of the worst dreams, and we would talk about it the next week.  Of course, I have a hard time talking about anything that happened, and dreams are no exception…I couldn’t bring myself to go into one of the worst…so I picked a “funny” one…of course it is in Quotations, because it is not really funny, but when I tell it you will understand.

In my dream…I drive a bus full of school children, and my friend is driving a bus that is following me.  We drive down the street to the house where I lived when the abuse took place…now…I don’t know why I would be driving a bus load of school children to a house where an abuser lives, but the dream goes on.  I stop across the street from the driveway, and suprize…I get the children out of the bus…my friend comes up with her bus children and puts them on my bus.  I ask her to stay with the children (my bus kids) while I walk across the street.  Now…I don’t know why I’m even walking across the street…I don’t even want to be there.  When I get to the other side…all the sudden a huge tree comes crashing down, and falls on his Truck!

Not his truck…he did not even have a truck…don’t know why it was in my dream.

Well…I start to laugh hysterically (those who know me know that if I’m afraid, I laugh) and then the hairs on the back of my neck stick up, I turn around and there he is…..That is when I wake up, sweating and laughing.

“So, Doc,” I say…”what does it mean?”

He then proceeds to discuss with me, that he thinks the bus children represent my own children, and that having my friend stay with them is my way of protecting them while I face something scary (not his word).  The fact that I crossed the street…he said indicates my willingness to confront some of the issues I’m having, even if it is hard…the tree falling, he said, may represent the Abuse and it hitting his truck could indicate that I want to smash his control over me.  Of course him being behind me after it happened, could indicate that I still fear him (of course) and always feel as if he is behind me no matter what I do.

Well…all of it seemed to make a little sense to me, but when I left the office that day, I was a little more than skeptical, as to whether it would make a difference in my dreams.

Wow…I did not have the dream that night…nor have I ever had it again!  So, I must say there is a method to his (my therapist) madness.  It did work…but unfortunately I have been unable to test the theory further, as it was the second to last visit I had with him….and we were making such good progress.

I know I need to get back to counseling, and to my Doctor for the pills I was taking to help reduce the stress (yes they were working…didn’t realize till I did not have them).  It all helps, and I know I need to find a way to get back to it.  Because my symptoms are increasing ten fold.

Things need to change, because it affects everyone in your life when you suffer with P.T.S.D., not just you.  So in my NON-PROFESSIONAL opinion…Get Help!  It really does Help!

 

Just an F.Y.I.

You can live with P.T.S.D., it may be a long hard road…and an ongoing battle. But I do see a light at the end of the tunnel…Maybe even living outside of my cave.

Good Luck to all of you living with P.T.S.D.!  Feel free to comment and share your experiences.

Thanks for listening!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard