2016 is Drawing Near

With 2016 just around the bend, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on the past year.

I have done many things that I thought were out of my reach…pushed myself to do things that were impossible just a year ago.

I am proud of my accomplishments this year, and Grateful to many people…Those who have helped me, encouraged me, stood by me through thick and thin, especially to all of you who give me strength and keep me focused by reading my blog along with your kind words to help continue my forward momentum.

In 2016, I hope to delve deeper into the things that scare me, and continue to become stronger, so I can heal what has been torn and broken for a very long time.

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I know the road will not be an easy one…the things I need to overcome sometimes seem too high to reach, but I know with the help of God, Family and Friends (both old and new)…anything is possible.

I will keep posting, writing, along with pushing myself to new heights… Hopefully hearing, and helping others through my journey!

Thanks to all of you for hearing me…I love hearing you too, and hope we will be able to hear each other throughout the new year.

Good Luck to all in 2016 and God Bless!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Where Did That Come From?

I’m not adding many pictures today…the one above seemed to say it all for me.

This post, as it is titled, stems from an incident I had yesterday.

As most of you know…I was in a domestic violence relationship.  I have aquired severe P.T.S.D. as a result.   Flashbacks come less often than they used to, but when they come up…It drains me.

This one came from out of the blue…Not even sure, sitting here, what triggered it. Let me explain…

I’m having coffee, enjoying the sunny morning and knitting a baby shower gift.  It was a nice morning.  I wasn’t worried about anything, had no reason to be afraid, I was in a safe place.

The next thing I remember, I’m huddled in a corner of the living room, that quite frankly, I’m not sure how I fit into the space…and my 2 children were there.

They, again, as in past episodes, had fearful looks on their faces.  They were obviously trying to talk me back to reality.  I did not know what I did, said, or how I came to be there, but they explained…

They told me that they heard me yelling to call the police, and there was a lot of banging, and they heard me running from room to room.  So they ran upstairs and saw that I was alone…obviously in a flashback.

I thought one of my children was my abuser at one point, and ran to hide in the place I ended up when I became coherent.

I think the worst thing about living with the effects of life after abuse, for me, is the guilt of what I am putting my family through. They suffered through abuse as well, but are not having the flashbacks that I am having at this time.

I feel that they have suffered enough, and don’t deserve to have to live through my baggage as well.

I am trying hard to change how I handle things…it is a long slow process.

I will not give up, and I hope my family does not give up either.

Thanks for hearing, and Thanks to my children for their patience.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Baking Therapy

Baking things is one of my self-imposed Therapies…. It helps me to concentrate my thoughts into a single task.

I love kneading bread and shaping rolls/ loaves, and bread baskets.  wpid-100_2587.jpg  These are just a few of the items I Love to make…displayed in a bread basket…the basket is as much fun to make as it is to eat.

This time of year, I get to do more of it than I usually do, for more than one reason… at this time of year the baking warms the kitchen…and is great for the Holiday tables, along with gift giving.

I learned Baking Therapy from my Mom…and Grandmother (her Mom)… Mine would make bread for our meals…and all types…my Grandmother made the Best rolls (of which we have yet to duplicate)…and I remember one time when I was at her house…the smell of fresh-baked bread in the air.  She was punching down the bread and said with a smile…”I love that part…gets out all my frustrations,” and she was not light handed when she punched it down.  She was right…it is a great way to get out aggression and the warmth of the dough was helpful to her arthritis.

My Children Love fresh-baked bread, as a matter of fact…my oldest only likes it fresh from the oven…or a few hours old. He usually asks when he comes over and sees the bread…”How long ago did you make that?”   If I made it more than two hours past…he tends not to want any .  Don’t get me wrong…he will eat it if he really wants some…but he says he does not enjoy it as much…wants me to call him when I’m making it so he can get it fresh (spoiled Boy)!

I guess it is my Therapy, because if I am stressed, worried or having a hard time dealing with the struggles with my abusive past, it gives me a focus, and makes the house smell delicious, along with the memories of baking with my Mom and Grandma…it is an all around Stress-reducer.

So…if you are stressed…Try Baking…not only can you calm down…but you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor afterwards!

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Enjoy your Day!!!  Happy Baking and Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

THANKFUL REFLECTIONS

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Since November is in full swing and it is the month for being thankful for all that we have…I decided to reflect on childhood memories.

I have so many wonderful memories of childhood celebrations.  My Mom is the one to thank for that.  This time of year brings back memories galore.  The holidays were made magical for me and my siblings.  My Mom could make something out of virtually nothing, and I am very Grateful to her for that.

Our Holidays started in October with Halloween… wpid-fb_img_1444514303926.jpg

Where she would decorate the house inside and out…we would get to carve pumpkins…make goodies (we could make treats to give out to those trick-or treating, at that time) and we sometimes had Halloween parties with the entire family…but we would all dress up…even if you were too old to go trick-or-treating…just dressing up to hand out candy or going to school was fun.

Then on to Thanksgiving…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-42-59.jpg   I remember the house filled with all kinds of yummy smells…it was nice to come home from school or just playing and smell baked bread, cookies, pies, etc..  Sometimes she would be making things to give to others…teaching us that even when you don’t have much, giving was a great blessing.

I remember Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Cousins…all getting together to have a special Thanksgiving dinner.  Everyone would bring something to contribute and because the family was (and is) so big…we usually had to have it at a larger place than a house…church halls, Someones clubhouse, or just in a relatives house…even if it means more than one room.  I’m always thankful for being together with family!

After Thanksgiving comes Christmas…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-45-00_1_1.jpg Yes it was and is a special time for our family to celebrate the Birth of Jesus…but it was also made Magical because of all the other things that Christmas brings…My Mom would bring all the things from the Cedar Chest she had…and when we would come home…before even seeing the things she had put up…we could smell the cedar and know that it was Christmas time…There were many things she would set up…The tree of course, but much more…elves in the tree…a Winter village on top of the cedar chest…figurines around…the Nativity all lit up…and the smells…oh the wonderful smell of Christmas time.  Mom made candy…big event at our house.  This was not for us to eat…though we did get a nibble or two…but to give to others as gifts…along with cookies…breads…etc., and of course Santa…always remembering that the gifts he brought represented those given to the Christ Child so long ago.

After that…New Years…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-45-57_1.jpg  What a day that was…We actually got to stay up past midnight…WOW!!!!  Sometimes we made it and other times some of us did not…it was always fun though…we would play games, listen to music (some of which Dad did not relish), and sometimes we would get together with family and friends and it was a big party!!  Like almost everyone in the country on New Years Eve…we would watch the Ball Drop on T.V., With Dick Clark! Then on New Years Day…we would eat leftovers from the night before…along with others freshly made and watch the football games together…so much fun to be had!

Now that is not the end of our holiday season…no…February came with cupid, hearts, flowers, etc…..wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-46-39_1.jpg  and in our home Valentines was not just for Lovers…but a time to celebrate all those you loved.  We would make Cookies…oh those yummy cookies with icing and your name in the middle of the heart.   Mom would also make those cookies…tons of them…because we had a huge family.  She made them so we could give them for our valentines at school (again…when we could do things like that in school)  So we had a list of all the classmates…their names spelled correctly…and we would ice the cookies…Mom would write their names…we placed it on a paper Heart doily with a bit of icing…and then on cookie sheets…We could not wait to get to school to give out our valentines.

Then on Valentines evening…we would take the cookies we made for family and friends on special plates…drive to their houses…and leave the cookies on their doors…Knock or ring the bell…and run like the wind…so they could not see who brought them (like the did not know).  That was so much fun…the anticipation of going to the door and not getting caught…fun!!!

Now comes March…St. Patrick’s Day!!!  wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-47-37_1.jpg  Mom would make sure that we all had something green on BEFORE, we went to bed the night before…so our siblings would not get to pinch us if they found us without green on (I have green eyes,I was always safe).  In the morning, the smell memories again.  This time coconut…yes you heard…coconut.  But what does coconut have to do with St. Patrick’s Day, you ask?  Let me explain…Mom would make green pancakes shaped like shamrocks, and green syrup…since maple syrup did not look good in green, she made coconut syrup and it was yummy!!!!  What a fun thing to look forward to each year.  Then we would have a traditional St. Patrick’s dinner later that day…something to look forward to.

Now you would think that was the end…but no…another month to celebrate came next.  Easter… wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-48-25_1.jpg  And though this was the end of our Holiday Season…It was…as it should be…a New Beginning.  We would always go to church to celebrate the risen Christ.  The family would celebrate Easter with a Large Family Party (still going on to this day)..we would go…then to Grandmas house…everyone would bring something to eat…we would have an easter egg hunt…Egg shaped cookies were made with our names on them (like the valentine ones) we had nests made of puffed wheat cereal and they were filled with treats…but more than anything else…we were with Family.

Now of course there were other holidays…The 4th of July, Memorial day, Veterans day, etc…throughout the other times of year…Any excuse to get together for a BBQ!

But whenever I think of the Holiday Season…I think of seven months of Magic…Thanks Mom!!!!

I always wanted to be like our Mom…Sadly, she is one of a kind.  Though I do follow through with many of the traditions (as do my siblings) I have not been able to duplicate for my children, the Magic I had.

Part of the reason is, that I made a choice in a partner I thought was the man I had been waiting for my entire life…one I could carry out traditions with for my own young family. But he was not what he seemed to be…so instead, I gave my children a life of abusive memories…ones I thought I had shielded them from, only to find out they suffered it as well.  But that is all I will say on that subject for now.

I was able to give my  children some of my Moms wonderful traditions…and they do remember them and look forward to them each year.

I’m Grateful to have these Memories and Traditions.  They meant so much to me then…and even more to me now!

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving season!

Thanks again for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

A Chill Setting In

The title of my post today denotes my figurative and literal feelings at this moment, let me explain….

In the literal sense…it is COLD outside…finally some of the still green leaves will lend a bit of color to my outdoor scene, before winter snow begins…I miss seeing the brilliant autumn colors of the eastern United States.

Some of the trees have a bit of color...but for the most part they are still green.

Some of the trees have a bit of color…but for the most part they are still green.

In the figurative sense…a chill set in thinking about the fact that I need to somehow venture outside these four walls of my P.T.S.D. cave to do a little work before winter.

Droplets of water...after yesterday's rain...but not frozen...Yet!!!

Droplets of water…after yesterday’s rain…but not frozen…Yet!

I need to get the hummingbird in and change the dead flowers for some silk winter ones, so I can see something pretty from the window…maybe silk autumn leaves first.

Then I need to get the Hummingbird feeder from the tree, so it will not freeze and meet the same demise as last years model.

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Not to mention the terracotta planters…the biggest of which did not see the soil, nor what I intended to plant in it…and the smaller ones, though perfect for halloween…need to have the dead plants attended to…then they need to come in so they will not crack in the winter cold.  Hopefully next year I can venture out to plant something beautiful…or tasty!

Sadly never filled.

Sadly never filled.

Sadly neglected.

Sadly neglected.

Last but not least is the hose that needs to be brought in so it will not freeze and the two outdoor faucets that need protective coverings, allowing them not to get frozen, crack and flood the basement.

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All this…taking of pictures to show you my intended duties are what put the figurative chill in me…because just taking the pictures frazzled my nerves.

I love Minion sayings!

I love Minion sayings!

That is why I put the above minion picture in…fits me to a “T”!

Then I have been going through the MOUNDS…and I truly mean MOUNDS of knit and crochet items, piling up on my writing area and around my rooms in bags, boxes (sorry for the poor pictures…lighting not so good in the early morning when these were taken), etc..

wpid-p_20151030_074813_hdr.jpg  Piled High… wpid-p_20151030_074844_hdr.jpg and More

wpid-p_20151030_074858_hdr.jpg It keeps on going…wpid-p_20151030_074832_hdr.jpgand after all this, I found one thing I did not complete…now I’m wondering exactly what it could be…wpid-p_20151030_074721_hdr.jpg ?????

In going through all of them…and the storage spaces (for items gently used that cold be sold, i.e., games, cooking items etc.).  I was hoping to have a Yard Sale.

But…you know…that means…GOING INTO THE YARD…WITH PEOPLE THERE!

So…it has been put off, weekend after weekend, until now it is colder, almost Halloween, and I’m debating if a Yard/open house would work.

I need to do something, because I’d like my writing space back.  Not that I do not love writing at the kitchen table, where I get to see the outdoors, but it is nice to separate the two…(Yes my brother, you were right).

So…I will try to rally my children, who will hopefully feel generous enough to help me for a day or two…both in getting the things done outside that need accomplished before the freeze…and in the Yard/open house I need to have, both to clear my space and make a bit of money!

Now… to set a date and push through another round of fears.

With God and my Family…I know it can be done.

Wish me luck!

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The above one is a saying I saw and had to post (found on Pinterest)…to inspire me and hopefully someone else along the way!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

October 18th Celebration…Our Freedom Day!

HAPPY OCTOBER 18th

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That is what we say to each other in our family…every year on this day.  Why, you might ask?  Well, it is a special day to my children and myself because that is the day we were all Free of the Abuser in our life.

All the time and waiting for court cases to end, and waiting for the ability to move to be with family…the wait was over…that was the day we walked into the courthouse bound…and came out free!

Breaking free of the chain of Abuse!

Breaking free of the chain of Abuse!

During that day at court, our abuser (their Father) gave up his parental rights…he did so to gain a lighter sentence.  That day the Judge told my children that now I was their Mother and their Father…she joked that I could scold them in one room and then take them into another room and do it again.

I could not wipe the smile off their faces…nor did I want to…It had been a very, very long time since I had seen that level of happiness in them.

We decided to go to the store and get something special for dinner that night.  You know… I don’t even remember what we got for the meal, but I do know, my oldest saw some champagne glasses…since it was Autumn, the tops of the glasses were a gold color and the stems were clear.  It was mentioned that we should get them to celebrate…So we bought four of them, along with a bottle of Sparkling Cider ( could not have the real stuff until they grew up a lot more ), along with the food and headed home.

The Halloween in the corner takes 2nd place to our October 18th Celebration Glasses.

The Halloween in the corner takes 2nd place to our October 18th Celebration Glasses.

That night we shared a meal in the dining room, and toasted with our sparkling cider…then one of my children (don’t remember who at this time) said… “we should do this every year.”

And that is how our October 18th celebration came about…We have since celebrated it, and promised each other that no matter what or where we are on that date…we would come together, spend the day…just the four of us, and have a toast in those same glasses…then with care, we pack them up, place them in a box that is marked for the occasion and put the box carefully away on the shelf until the next year.

I just wanted to share with you the Love I feel for my children, they are the true Hero’s in our story…because they were so very courageous in coming forth with things that were so very hard.  I commend them for doing so…I could not do it for myself, I truly thought I had shielded them from the abuse, and that they were not enduring it…when I finally found out, because one of my Brave children came forward, I found the courage to do something about it.  I finally became the mother they needed. I finally opened my eyes, and realized that they had seen, heard, and endured, more than I was willing to admit.

So again I say…to my children…HAPPY OCTOBER 18th, and may we share many, many more together!   I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Small Act of Kindness

Wow…two posts in one day…I must be feeling better, and I’m on a roll.

Truth is, I could not let the Small act of kindness I received today to go unnoticed.

I’ll preface it with what happened just before this act of kindness.

I was in my kitchen, doing dishes, and one of my children had gone out the back door..all the sudden my child asked me to call the police, because a lady was being beaten behind the church (just next door to our house), and she was calling for someone to call the police.

Well, as you know I and my children were abused, so it does not set well with us to see or hear others in similar situations.  I dialed 911 and the police were there quickly…the only thing was, that my children (2 of them now because of the commotion), went around the house and to the church to see if they could help…That made the man put her in the car and they started to leave…The Police made it just in time to block one of the driveways. Then because he had nowhere to go, the man backed up to go around the other side…my children stood there (WHAT WERE THEY THINKING), and me watching from the porch, could only worry.  But another police car came before the car got back around the church.

Well…the long and the short of it is…they took the man, and the lady looked horrible…They took her in an ambulance. He had really done a number on her.  All I could do was pray that she will be brave enough to follow through now, on pressing charges.  I know full well the fear in her right now…she has a long road ahead.

So much for my previous post today of De-Stressing…That threw me for a loop.  I got inside and was shaking like a leaf.

Then…out of the blue…not related to the situation that happened…someone came to my door and gave me these…

wpid-p_20151013_125451_hdr.jpg  Wow…such a suprise…and it was for no other reason than to brighten my day…I didn’t  even know the person who gave them to me.  They just said it was to cheer me up.  Wow..such a small act of kindness, and such a Big result.

It was an unexpected De-Stresser…and they sit on my table now (unfortunately I do not have a vase…don’t get them enough to have one), and put a smile on my face.

Thanks to whomever it was that gave them to me…I know they may never read this, but I had to post it to show my gratitude.  At least you will all know that there are those out there doing things to brighten someones day, for no other reason other than it’s a kind thing to do.

I hope they receive something just as wonderful soon in their lives…God Bless!

Gives me hope…we all need that!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

MONSTERS

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Yes…October is here…with promises of Monsters, Witches, Warlocks, Ghouls and Goblins…Along with Mother Natures Harvest…

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With an abundance of Beautiful paths to roam…

wpid-bdfa8f89d4effcc1fdf6cc2d605d58bb.jpg  Fall Leaves to play in…wpid-screenshot_2015-10-01-05-37-59_1.jpg

Corn Field mazes to walk through… wpid-screenshot_2015-10-01-05-40-29_1.jpg

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And don’t forget the Pumpkins to carve…wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-45-04_1.jpg

Whatever October brings for you…Enjoy it!!!

But this post is about MONSTERS… this month reminds us of all kinds of Monsters…

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-47-52_1.jpg  Those from Horror movies and Bad Dreams…

and those Fun and Friendly ones…wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-52-47_1.jpg Like our friends from Monsters Inc.!

But they are not the only Monsters lurking in she shadows…

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-42-04_1.jpg   There are real life Monsters…Some of our Monsters Haunt our dreams, others walk around with us during the day…They can be all around us…Yelling in our ears…wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-54-47_1.jpg

Or Changing our outlook on life, making us believe we are less important than they are, and controlling our every move…

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-02-13-21_1.jpg  With Violence, and intimidation…

With Threats and Verbal abuse… wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-54-18_1.jpg

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-02-15-16_1.jpg  All Manner of Chaos and Mayhem!  True sources of consternation!

But….Like all the Pretend Monsters out there casting spells, and the scary creatures roaming our imaginations….wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-49-53_1.jpg

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WE HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!!!!

Yes it is hard…and seems like a never-ending stretch of road with no way out…and at times, it takes every ounce of strength we have to just get through the day.

But we can do it….we can do anything we set our minds to…I know…I’ve lived through some monstrous times in my life, and I am still here Blogging about it.

Oh it has been a long and scary road, still is, at this time of year especially.  I am constantly reminded of many of my Deamons…those that still lurk just beyond my control.  I am though, working on them and will continue to do so. Until one day…my monsters will only be the cute…

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-30-01-51-52_1.jpg  pretend ones we see on cartoons, and the fun witches, ghosts and goblins that come to the door each Halloween night…

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When the Jack-O-Lanterns are carved…

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and Treats abound…

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Or we watch the scary movies on T.V. or in the theatres…

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They are the only monsters I want to have in my life…and only once a year…Not all year-long.

It will happen…I WILL NOT GIVE UP…AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!!

Lets keep fighting the all the Monsters in our lives… Have a Safe and Fun October!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

DESPAIR

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I know that I use a lot of definitions in my posts, and this one is no exception.  The meaning of despair is very clear…not only in the above definition, but in pictures that need no words.

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Despair is all-encompassing. When you are in the depths of despair, it can seem never-ending, almost as if you were drowning with no hope of being saved.

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I know how despair feels, yet today, it is not my despair I’m writing about.  I am seeing some of the ones I love going through their own struggles with despair, and it hurts much worse than my own.  I think it is because when I see it in them, and I can do nothing to ease the pain…I wish it could be me instead.

I have been through a sleepless night, and I want so much to take them in my arms and let them know it will be ok…as when they were children, and you could hold them and comfort them, and make it better.

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But these are not things that can be so easily taken away.  I want to help, but don’t know where to start.  It is a very helpless feeling…that in itself is a form of despair.

It is something I wish with all my heart I could fix.  I want to be their beacon, and bring them safely home.

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-22-11-35-45_1.jpg   but I also know that this is something they need to

fix mostly on their own.  I will though be there for them, and Pray for them, and hope that they will find their way out of the darkness.

I hope they know that I HEAR them!

Again, it is a time for this picture…Please do not get offended by it.  It is more for me than anyone else…I will pray that they know he is there for them too.

wpid-screenshot_2015-08-24-08-49-57_1.jpg  God…please deliver them from their pain!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

SURVIVAL

Surviving can take many forms.  It can be many things and look very different in everyone’s life.

Websters definition of Survival is this…

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So, I believe that my survival, looks vastly different from your survival, and our survival looks different from the rest of the world.  We all need to be aware that there are different levels of survival in our own lives and in the lives of others.

I survive day-to-day, and at the worst of times it can  be second to second.  But my second to second is nothing like the second to second for this person…

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or these people…

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and completely different from these…

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 I guess what I am trying to say is this.  We all survive.  We survive a work day…

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wpid-screenshot_2015-09-16-13-43-00_1.jpg  wpid-screenshot_2015-09-16-13-34-58_1.jpg

We survive Loss, loneliness, abuse, war, peace, financial ups and downs, winters, summers, school, friends, family, religion, race…I can go on and on about the types and ways we all survive.

As a Human race we have survived through many things.  We have grown and developed, changed along the way (not always for the better), and hopefully we learn from the lessons survival teaches us.

Let’s all try to remember that we are not alone in our survival, though at times it may feel that way.

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We need others to help us on whatever path we may take…yes, some things we must do alone, but in the long run…we survive best together.

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So, if you see someone who is surviving, lend a hand, if you need someone while you are surviving, reach out.  Then the paths we all must walk, will not seem so lonely…

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 we can begin to heal, and survive to see the light of another day…

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Believe you are Strong, because you are, Believe you can do anything you set your mind to, because you can…The road is not going to be without its bumps, but it can be Survived!

 Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard