Just Checking In

Where did it go? Did I do my Best? Did I accomplish my goals?

Well it is the end of another Month.  September went by as quickly as the wind blows.

For me it was and eventful month…a lot of ups and downs, but it was endured.  I have met and exceeded a few of my goals, and I realize I have much more to do on achieving others.  I am a work in progress.

Thanks to all of you who are following…I would love comments and suggestions. I’d like to be able to use them as a guide to help me get better as I go.

My next blog post for tomorrow will be a Halloween of sorts theme… “Monsters” I will be entitling it.  So just because this one is very short and sweet…does not mean I am not working hard.

Today I felt the need to do some crafty things to de-stress.  I’m making Halloween themed coasters, etc., for a party a cousin is having…and a few others for good measure.

I’ve been busy since 3am

Talk to you tomorrow…

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Our B.A.C.A. Angels

I have to take a few minutes to tell you about a group of people who saved our family.  These were people who I did not want to let into our lives.  The reasons were many… some of the reasons were… I did not want more people who could potentially betray us, as had been done in the past. I did not want to explain our situation again, as it had been done so many times, we were all tired of trying.  I did not trust many people to do what they said they would do, as we had already been told we would be helped by people in the court system…only to be pushed further back.  And Last…I did not want a group of “BIKERS”, around my children…to me, they were a scary bunch of people.  Don’t get me wrong…I have family and friends that are motorcycle riders, and who ride with other motorcycle riders, but a Group of Bikers….there has always been a stigma surrounding them.

I WAS WRONG!!!!!!  This organization turned out to be the biggest group of Angels we have ever seen.

This and all pictures taken from Google, the B.A.C.A. website, and YouTube.

I first heard about them from my family, who were miles away from us, and yes, we felt all alone…even though we had friends who supported us, it was not like having your family there.  My mother called me and said she had been in contact with a group of people who could help us.  As she started talking about them, I couldn’t believe that MY MOM, was telling be to associate myself with a group of Bikers.  I told her I did not want to do it.  She gave me the phone number of a person I needed to contact, and I don’t know what happened to it, but I lost it…not by accident, I’m certain.

After many court dates about a number of things, and my children being more and more afraid to do things…we did not go out much, other than school or work, and they did not play in the yard anymore, for fear that their abuser would take them.  It was a living Hell!

One day, as I was coming home from work with my children, I noticed a biker at the end of the street…it was a unsusal site on that rural stretch of road.  It unnerved me a bit, because I was worried about our abuser, and the threats that had been made due to an upcoming court date.  I went in the house and called my Mom, who along with a brother was coming to be with us during court.  This date was not for about a month, and I was just talking to her about my concerns.  She said. “Don’t be afraid, they wont hurt you.”  I was in shock…my Mom knew about some biker being on my street.  I asked if she had sent them, and told her she had no right to do it.  She said that as a Mom, I should be able to understand the helplessness she felt, thinking her child was in danger, and she only wanted to do something to help.

Well, that did it…I listened to her, as I realized I was not the only mother afraid for her children.  She told me she was in contact with them (B.A.C.A.) and told them about the threats that were given to us…she also said that they had a few  members in the area that would ride by once in a while to make sure things were ok…but, they could not come in and talk to us, or do anything except call the police if something were amiss, unless we contacted them and allowed them to come in.

After she explained that they would not even stop at the end of our driveway without our permission…it made a big difference to me, I realize that they respected our situation and would respect our boundaries as well.

That night I made the call and 2 days later was the first visit.  You have to know that I was so very scared to allow anyone into our lives, but they explained what they were there for, and what they did, and I felt that if my children could feel safe, have a good nights sleep, and testify in court, it would be worth it.

We kept our curtains shut, and it looked like no one lived at our house most of the time.  We were inside, waiting for them to come, and heard the thunderous sound of the bikes,well before they came down our street.  We all looked at each other, and I could tell that my children were a little apprehensive.  I said, “It’s ok, they are coming to help us.”  I did not even know if I believed my own words.  Then we heard them come into the driveway, and slowly but surely it became silent, as each of the bikes found a place and they turned them off.  We did not see them come, as we just stood in the living room, curtains closed, waiting.

Then the knock came at the door, and I hesitantly went to open it.  When I did, I saw a very Tall Menacing looking man standing there.  I wondered if I had made a mistake in my decision to allow them to come.  He was soft-spoken when he introduced himself, and asked us all to come out and meet the group.  When we did, my children clung to me, as I have never seen them do before.  The leader spoke to them by getting down to their level.  He let them know that they were there to protect them, and that they were a family, and wanted my children to be one of their family. Then they gave them each a jacket with a patch on the back and told them that they were now part of the B.A.C.A. family, and when they wore those jackets, it let all members of B.A.C.A. know that they were a B.A.C.A. child.  They gave them a few other things, and Each of my children, slowly warmed up to them…they even put them on the bikes to see how it felt to be on a motorcycle.  They loved it.

of course this is not my child…the message is the same.

Then the leader asked me to go into the house so we could take care of some paperwork and talk about what they would be doing….WHAT…GO INSIDE AND LEAVE MY CHILDREN OUTSIDE???  I did not say those words, but you could see that he knew what I was thinking, because he said…”You can open those curtains and watch them from the window.”  He promised, that they would be safe, and if I felt uncomfortable, I could come back out with them.

I can’t tell you why, but I felt at ease at that point.  This never happened, especially with strangers, and I never trusted people I did not know with my children…Because even people I did know, turned out to be the ones to hurt them.

We went in, and as we were talking, a Miracle happened…I heard laughter…something I had not heard from my children for quite some time, and when I looked up…They were playing…actually playing, and it continued…it started getting dark and it seemed they did not even notice.  I started to cry…then I felt a hand on my shoulder and one of the angels said to me.  ” I Promised you would be safe, and I think your children know it too.”

He was right…they did so much for us in that small space of time, and it only continued.  They visited often, my children came out of their shells, and felt safe, we went to court among an entourage of bikers and my children stood tall.

This is the type of thing you see everywhere, when B.A.C.A. takes a child to court.

It was a long road, because court was cancelled, postponed, etc., many times, but every time… B.A.C.A. was there, every step of the way…Even when the District Attorney was hesitant to allow them in the courtroom.  We had a practice run, where the District Attorney, and the Children went into the courtroom and he told them where they would be and what they would do…he asked B.A.C.A. to stay outside the courtroom when they were practicing, and they were very nervous.  One of my children had a really hard time…kept fidgeting, and not concentrating on the questions, and even stuttering…then the District Attorney asked if they wanted their friends to come into the courtroom…it was a resounding YES.  After they came in, my child smiled, and stopped fidgeting, and when asked the questions, was able to state the answer clearly and without stuttering.  The District Attorney turned to me and said… “They can stay!”

This is a group of B.A.C.A. members supporting the children…they usually take the seats furthest to the front…in our case…they took up most of the courtroom, and surrounded the victims supporters.

That was it…they were allowed into the courtroom, and it made all the difference.

I guess what I want to say with this post is  THANK YOU!  Thanks to Chief for founding such a wonderful group. Thanks to all the members around the world who take time from their own schedules, both personal and work to help children get through some of the worst times of their lives, and for giving them their strength back.  This group of selfless people change lives.

If you need them, or if you know of someone who needs them  go to http://www.bacaworld.org   –   You will not be sorry that you did.

You do need to have an open court case for them to get involved, but they can also give you information and help you find the people to contact if you do not have an open case.

This is a screenshot of the website.
http://www.bacaworld.org

We were lucky enough to meet Chief one time, and my children were in heaven.  I was so grateful.  I hope all our B.A.C.A. Angels know how much they changed our lives.  We are still friends with one of the angels who came into our lives, and we cherish the friendship.  We are also grateful for all those who came from all over to help us…your sacrafices and selfless acts will never be forgotten.

Thanks for hearing us!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

THE HEALING EMBRACE

A Hug, is truly a Healing Embrace.  It has been scientifically proven that when you are hugged, your body releases endorphins that help reduce stress, and your body produces oxytocin, that helps to lower blood pressure.  There are numerous ways that the Embrace helps you to heal.

From the time we are born we need to be embraced.

As you know if you read my post yesterday.  There have been troubling times in my life, not just for myself, but those I love. Today proved again what a Hug can do, and the healing powers it has.

One of my children came up in the early hours, and only wanted to sit by me, and be held.  My child kept apologizing for just wanting to be there doing nothing but to be held, and I had to say. “You have nothing to apologize for…this is helping me, as much as it is helping you.”

It was only then, that I felt my child’s body relax.  For about 30 minutes, we sat there in a Healing Embrace.  We said nothing, but I could tell we both were slowly but measurably, feeling the effects of what we were doing.

Then when my child left there was, for the first time in a long time, a feeling of hope, renewed love, the warmth and comfort that was mutually felt was overwhelming to me.  I wept when I was alone…not in a sad despairing way, it was a feeling of relief. It felt as if we were finally breaking through to a new level.

  

We all need human contact, as many have stated in the past…it is as necessary as breathing.  When we hug each other, whether it is to welcome someone, comfort someone, say goodbye, etc., we are giving our physical bodies a gift.  Helping our bodies to function better.  Like giving fuel to a vehicle…if you don’t have it, your body cannot run at its full potential.

Even getting and giving hugs to pets does the same thing…

 

Not only do humans need this…but most living things crave contact.

We can learn something from a bear hug.

So, Give a few hugs today…they say if you get a 30 second hug each day…it can lower your blood pressure by 20-30%…wow…that alone is a great reason to get and give hugs. Not to mention the feelings of caring, love, safety, warmth, comfort and joy that come with it.

For you, friends, family, everyone!

Do yourself, your body, and those around you a favor, and have a good Hug today…every day…seek it out, make it a point to give and accept them.

From my own experience…I know it to be true…a Hug can truly be a HEALING EMBRACE!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Tornado County

Want to share something from another blogger that fit well with my post today, and it hit home. Check out the other posts from this blogger!

DESPAIR

I know that I use a lot of definitions in my posts, and this one is no exception.  The meaning of despair is very clear…not only in the above definition, but in pictures that need no words.

  

Despair is all-encompassing. When you are in the depths of despair, it can seem never-ending, almost as if you were drowning with no hope of being saved.

I know how despair feels, yet today, it is not my despair I’m writing about.  I am seeing some of the ones I love going through their own struggles with despair, and it hurts much worse than my own.  I think it is because when I see it in them, and I can do nothing to ease the pain…I wish it could be me instead.

I have been through a sleepless night, and I want so much to take them in my arms and let them know it will be ok…as when they were children, and you could hold them and comfort them, and make it better.

But these are not things that can be so easily taken away.  I want to help, but don’t know where to start.  It is a very helpless feeling…that in itself is a form of despair.

It is something I wish with all my heart I could fix.  I want to be their beacon, and bring them safely home.

   but I also know that this is something they need to

fix mostly on their own.  I will though be there for them, and Pray for them, and hope that they will find their way out of the darkness.

I hope they know that I HEAR them!

Again, it is a time for this picture…Please do not get offended by it.  It is more for me than anyone else…I will pray that they know he is there for them too.

  God…please deliver them from their pain!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Soul Searching

I had to share this blog post…I can relate so much to it, and this blogger is wonderful. Has so many amazing things to say, and does it so eloquently. Check out all she has to offer.

PUDDLE-JUMPING

How  long has it been since you went Puddle-Jumping?

The fun kind…not the darting to and fro to avoid the puddles, and the stepping off the curb into a puddle…

  

But the actual happy faced, jumping with both feet, not caring if you are soaked to the bone…Puddle-Jumping!

The kind that brings back memories of childhood, and the times when it was so simple and fun.

Well, I have not done it in a very long time.  But I was lucky enough to witness such an event last week.  I even stepped out of the box I live in, to not only speak to the man and his daughter, but ask if I could take a picture.

I saw them from my usual vantage point…

It was raining much harder than the day I took this picture.

and I heard the father (my window was open…enjoying the fresh rain filled air) say One, Two, Three, then I heard a splash.   I looked up and saw a happy little girl and her Dad, having a lot of fun…they did it over and over at the corner puddle, that had grown to fill most of the street.  Then they walked on, counting and jumping often.

I was filled with happiness, and thoughts of childhood, enjoying the memories that flooded in.  I picked up my i-Pod, and ran (without thinking) to the front door…they had made it to around the part where my gate is by then, and were counting and jumping again.  When they finished that jump…I said. “Thanks for reminding me how much fun that can be!”  He smiled and said “Sure.”  I then asked him if he would mind if I took a picture of him and his daughter jumping in the puddles.  So I could have a constant reminder.  He agreed, and continued with his child.  I took the picture and reluctantly closed the door, as they continued on their way.

I know the picture is not that clear, that is because of the rain, and the fact that I had just spoken to a complete stranger, on my front porch taking pictures, and at the point the picture was taken, I had my back to the open spaces.

So…I’m just wanting to thank that Dad and his little girl for bringing a little childhood back into my life.  Giving me the courage to step outside these four walls for a moment. Above all, remembering how it felt to be care-free.  The memories he is making for his child will be ever remembered.

Later that day, the rain had cleared and the sun was shining…I had at that point closed my blinds, and retreated into my cave…still happy, but recovering from my little adventure.  Two of my children came in the house and had such confused looks, that I had to laugh a bit.  One asked me, “Did you take a picture of a man and his daughter today?”  They both looked at me with dis-belief on their faces, as I said “Yes!”

“NO!” was the resounding reply, then I couldn’t hold it in, I broke out laughing! They couldn’t believe I had ventured out, let alone talk to, and take a picture of a complete stranger…they know me well.

I showed them the picture, and told them the story of why I did it, then they pulled out a piece of paper, told me that his email was on it and would I mind sending him the picture so he could show his wife.

Now I have more to be happy about…not only did they make my day, but now they have a picture to mark their adventure.  I’m glad that I summoned the courage to go out and take the picture.

I guess what my post is about most today, is this….it does not have to be Puddle-Jumping, it can be blowing bubbles…

gazing at the stars, or finding things in the clouds…

We just need to keep dreaming, like we did when we were young, and we need to stop thinking about age so much…as the father did for his daughter…just Jump!

C.S. Lewis said…

We all need to remember that, and do more to keep our dreams and goals alive…if even for a small space of time each day.  It can really make a big difference.

Who knows…Like they did for me…it could make a difference in the lives of others as well.

Keep Puddle-Jumping!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

OBSTACLES

What an ominous word…Obstacle.  It conjures up images of all things big and small that litter our paths each day.  Trying to keep us from the task at hand, our goals, or just plain living each day.

But we all have the ability, the stamina, the wherewithal if you will, to overcome anything life throws at us.  We just have to Believe in ourselves enough to, pick ourselves up, brush off our failures, and keep going.  That is the key…Never Give Up!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best….

You see, obstacles are put there to do a number of things, i.e., slow us down, make us take a detour we do not wish to take, break us completely, or be a test.

   

Whatever the obstacle is in your life, whatever pain you are going through, all the daily trials you are facing… you can make it through…

The road is not promised to be easy…but the end result is worth it.  Especially if you make it through a particularly difficult obstacle.  Those difficult ones are the hardest to overcome, and the most EXHILARATING, when they are completed.

Today, I went through an obstical…a tiny one…pebble, you could say. But for me, it felt like a boulder had been placed in my path.

Thankfully, I was able to work through it, find a way around the bolder, and when I came around to the other side and looked back…it felt so good, and yes, from the other side, I could see it was just a few small stones, chained together to create the illusion of being Huge.

We all have obstacles in our daily life, but with faith and a belief in yourself, and for me, through the Grace of God…we can come through them better people.  We can learn from them and continue to make better lives for ourselves and the others that walk with us along our journey through this life.

Good luck with your obstacles…and remember…You are being Heard!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

SURVIVAL

Surviving can take many forms.  It can be many things and look very different in everyone’s life.

Websters definition of Survival is this…

So, I believe that my survival, looks vastly different from your survival, and our survival looks different from the rest of the world.  We all need to be aware that there are different levels of survival in our own lives and in the lives of others.

I survive day-to-day, and at the worst of times it can  be second to second.  But my second to second is nothing like the second to second for this person…

or these people…

and completely different from these…

 I guess what I am trying to say is this.  We all survive.  We survive a work day…

 

  

We survive Loss, loneliness, abuse, war, peace, financial ups and downs, winters, summers, school, friends, family, religion, race…I can go on and on about the types and ways we all survive.

As a Human race we have survived through many things.  We have grown and developed, changed along the way (not always for the better), and hopefully we learn from the lessons survival teaches us.

Let’s all try to remember that we are not alone in our survival, though at times it may feel that way.

We need others to help us on whatever path we may take…yes, some things we must do alone, but in the long run…we survive best together.

So, if you see someone who is surviving, lend a hand, if you need someone while you are surviving, reach out.  Then the paths we all must walk, will not seem so lonely…

 we can begin to heal, and survive to see the light of another day…

Believe you are Strong, because you are, Believe you can do anything you set your mind to, because you can…The road is not going to be without its bumps, but it can be Survived!

 Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

HOW?

How?….a Million Dollar Question.  I ask myself that so often, I can’t count the times.  I wonder daily How I “allowed” myself to be abused.

Here is Websters definition of How…

I was always an independent person. My Mom told me once, “You are too independent for your own good.”  Maybe she was right…I know Gandhi said this…

But I never felt I wanted to be independent OF everybody else, as I know well, we cannot get through life alone. Human beings were not meant to be completely alone in life.  I just wanted to be able to do things on my own, i.e., take care of myself financially, explore the world, not have to depend on others for my happiness, etc..

But did that independence perpetuate my downfall?  Did that need for freedom of self, make me vulnerable to being abused?  I don’t know. What I do know, is that I miss the person I used to be.  I miss doing things, without having to have an entorage…Bodyguards as it were, to go with me when I visit life outside of these 4 walls.  I miss that independence.

How did it come to this?  How did my abuser get the upper hand, on my independent ways? How did he break me?

Proof that something so strong…and seemingly unbreakable, can be broken!

Well, as I have been writing about the abuse for my book…I did something quite unlike me (my writing style).  I started an outline…yes, those of you who are writers know you need an outline to write…need a way to plan your beginning, middle and end.  But I have always done better just starting with whatever thought comes to mind, and going from there (my independence clearly showing).  I know that my brother told me once, as I was in a writing class at the time, and trying hard to write the way they wanted me to…that my stories were not the same.  He said he liked the stories better, when I wrote my way…so…I re-wrote the story he had just finished, and gave it back to him.  He said, that it was much better.

But I stray….so getting back to How…  Through writing my outline, I even do that a bit different.  I write about some of the things in a little more depth than others.  It is one of those entries, that brought me to the question again.  The How, question.

Yesterday, as I was writing… I may have hit on at least a few reasons the “How” took place.  What I am about to tell you, is not for the faint of heart, and I will be breaking from what I want to keep quiet from some Family and Friends by saying some of it.  So I will not go into great detail, to spare them, should they read this.

It was a time, just after we had gone through counseling for 6 months, and that came about, because he (my abuser) had hit me repeatedly, with my not yet 1-year-old child in my arms.  I got a temporary restraining order, and went home to family, because I needed them.  I ended up coming back, with my mind made up that I would seek a permanent restraining order.  Well, that did not happen…instead, we agreed on counseling, and he would also do anger management classes (my thoughts on that I reserve for another post).

It went very well.  It was, as I remember, the best 6 months of our married life.  I was excited that I had made the decision to stay and work it out.

The money ended, that insurance would cover for our sessions and we had agreed, with our counselor, that we were doing well enough to go it alone.  Besides, we did not have enough money to cover the fees…even though the Doctor had offered us 1/2 off…unheard of, I know!

That evening, as we left hand in hand…something we were doing again, like we did in the beginning… I felt energized, so happy to start the next part of our lives together.  I had dreams of what we could be, and the family we would become (at this point I knew I was pregnant for the 2nd time).  We had made great progress.

He put me in the car.  Opened the door for me (such a gentleman), and went around to his side. After he got in and closed the door, he leaned in and gave me a kiss…not a short peck, but a long lingering kiss, that made me want more.  But as he pulled back, I did not see love in his eyes, I saw contempt, a full anger that I had not seen in over 6 months.  He said to me, “I will NEVER (he emphasized this word) go through that again!”  “Do You Understand?”  At that moment, frozen as solid as a statue, I did know…God how I knew!  Whats more, The weekend alone we had planned to celebrate our end of counseling…I now knew he had planned…not to celebrate our success together, but his success in being able to convince me, his family, and the Doctor we were seeing, that he had changed.

I had a hard reality hit me that weekend…of which I will not go into great detail…just suffice it to know that I was his, he had learned not to cause bruises where people could see them, and still inflict enormous amounts of pain.  He had learned how to use his words carefully, and to make them hurt as much, if not worse than the physical pain he inflicted.  He also learned how to use our child against me, and the fact that my family was too far away to be of any help.

He made sure that the hotel we went to (one that we loved and went to often with family) was booked for the cabins across the street from the main part of the hotel.  I now know, it was not for us to have privacy to celebrate, but for Him to have more privacy to do what he intended to do.

He set the rules that weekend, and he broke something in me…Something my independent self could not get back.

So, if I have any advice to those of you in the beginning stages of abuse… it would be this…Arm yourself with knowledge…Even those of you who think… “That would never happen to me.”  Believe me, I used to think that.

Know the warning signs…I did not know them, I did not know they existed.  I was very naive ( I think that is what abusers look for), and trusting.  If I had even a modicum of knowledge about abuse…if it had been a subject that could have been discussed around a dinner table, if for no other reason, than to inform us.  I think I would have given more thought to the warning signs.

Don’t get me wrong, you need to be able to trust in life, but that does not mean you need to go blindly along.  I learned the hard way, that you can be a strong, independent person, and still be broken.  It takes someone who really knows what they are doing.  And my abuser truly knew what he was doing, and he was patient enough to get it…kind of a contradiction in terms, he could be patient enough to get whatever he wanted…but make his sandwich wrong, and he could go from zero to Monster in under a second.

I am putting some information here from the Domestic Violence Website…If you are in this same situation, or if you know of, or suspect someone is in this situation.  This is a good place to start, for information.  I wish I had it before I got into the relationship I was in…I may have seen the signs, I thought at the time were nothing.

Please….I learned the hard way…DO NOT USE YOUR HOME COMPUTER, PHONE, ANY PERSONAL ELECTRONIC DEVICE,  to look up information on how to get out…They can and will find it and use it against you. My suggestion if you are abused…go to the library, and use their computers…if you know someone who is abused, do not let them use your electronic devices either, direct them to a library or cyber cafe, where they need to use an anonymous name.  And make sure you are safe whenever you go there…make sure, even if it takes more time…that you are not followed.

Here is the screenshot I used to give the information to you…

the next one shows some of the signs…now do not let it deter you, if you are a Man, Teen, of Child…as in most of their information, they use Men as the Abusers…We all know that it is not just men that abuse…women, children, teen, anyone can be an abuser, and anyone can be the victim…This is just a starting place…they can direct you in the right direction…

I know you are afraid.  I know how hard it is to believe.  I know you don’t see an end to your pain and suffering.  I know you see no way out.  But there is a way out, there is a way to safety.  It is not an easy road.  It will be the hardest, scariest thing you will ever do.  But you have made it this far…that shows how strong you are.  I did not believe I was strong, I still have trouble seeing it.   Life can be better.  I don’t think it will ever go completely away, but I do know that it gets easier, day by day, with each and every step.  And this I know for sure…

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALONE…. You can’t do it alone…this is not a time to be independent…it is a time to reach out, and be heard…I am here to hear you, as others have been there to hear me.

Most of all Be Safe in your situation!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard