I know you have heard it from me before…but this time…I am really serious! Let me tell you why I know that to be true.
Since my last Re-Coop post…Much has happened…me being without meds for the P.T.S.D., has taken a toll…not all in a good way.
But I am re-energized, I have actually been out there in the world…I can prove it…
My Family started a team for the American Cancer Society, for the Relay for Life event that they hold each year. Well….I joined, and since I told all my friends and Family I was doing it…I could not back out. And they make a Great Entourage!
Everyone had my back…I got to walk the Survivors Lap (as if Abuse was not enough of a lesson…Leukemia CML…was thrown in for good measure) and here is the wonderful Purple T-Shirt to prove it…
And another one of the back of the shirt…
I got that one, because my family put me in for the Survivors lap…I did it, with their help…so many in the family have had cancer, not just me…but others there that day too. Family and Friends, some newly made that day.
I can’t believe I actually did it….I unfortunately did not make it the entire night…The rest of the team did, but I had, as Night fell, and after the candlelight lap (so emotional) an incident that put me out of comission…I wanted so bad to do the whole thing, but my body did not want to co-operate.
My goal was 24 laps…but I only made 17 as you can see here from the beads…they gave us a bead for each lap finished…
And here is a picture of the end of the Survivors lap, where we let balloons go, whenever we heard something in a song they played, that inspired us, we were to let the balloon we were holding go…looks like everyone almost hit the same point in the song…to be honest, I cannot remember the name of the song…I need to ask someone, it was Beautiful!
But even though I did not make it through to the morning….and I was heartbroken…I realized this was a HUGE step. Especially, since I have not been out in a public place for anywhere near that amount of time (6 hours) for a very, very long time!
Even without meds…it can be done….I have though, been trying to compose myself and Push myself a little each day since….Those beautiful flowers from my window that I posted a while back…. I have gone out there now and then….not just sending the children..to water them and dead head them…Not as often as I would like, but just enough to push myself.
Here it is to refresh your memory…
Another accomplishment happened yesterday…I actually went to Church, with a friend…and you will really laugh, because the Church is LITERALLY, next door to my house. Of course, I hung out in the Choir loft, the Priest allowed me to be there,since he knows of my situation, and generously offered, because the choir was not singing this Sunday. I made it through that too.
Yes…my nightmares have been more frequent, and even a bit more vivid…but healing does not come without pain I suppose…..so I have got to be Brave…if not for me…for those around me who Love me and have supported me through all of this.
In the process I hope to help others as well…as I said when I began this blog…I want to be heard, and help others be heard as well.
I had a conversation yesterday with one of my siblings…and besides the great Ab workout I get whenever we speak (all the laughing), my fire was lit and this time, hopefully for good. It was said in that conversation, after much back and fourth about why I have not “written my book yet”, and there was always a comeback for my excuses… “You want to help people, but Who are you helping if you don’t write it?” Well that did it….it was the exact thing I needed to hear, in the exact way and in the exact time….everything happens for a reason, and in the right time….Right?
So, after spending all night, and I mean literally, all night, and 4 pots of coffee later 2 and 1/2 pencils..I have been writing…with a vengence…the words somehow will not stop, and it FEELS GREAT!
I also came to a realization that I will not be sharing the experiences that happened at length in this blog…because one of the reasons came clear to me, as to why I was not blogging or writing the book so much….it is because, I do not want my children to read some of the things, nor some of my Family…but my stalwart sibling had an answer for that too….”Ask them not to read it…if they respect you, they won’t do it.”
True… and I agree… so, I will be asking some people not to read it, and since this blog is so very public…I will keep to a minimum the stories of my life…post only those that have been heard by my loved ones…and I will use this venue as a platform to reach others who are in similar situations, and update you on the progress of the book…my healing, and hopefully the healing of others.
Thanks for Hearing!