RE-COOP

Ok…I know that it is the 6th….two days past since the 4th of July…and I was going to tell you if I had exercised my little bit of Independence.

Yes…but only for a second or two…if that.  Here it is…..

If you read my last post…You know that I was going to try to actually see the fireworks…not from my window, but from the front step.  Well it rained and I did not think they would happen (not too disappointed), but it cleared up, and the Fireworks commenced.

I Fearfully opened the door, and immediately saw the neighbors across the street along with many up and down the street…on Lawn Chairs etc., watching the display.

Can’t even remember what the fireworks looked like, I was trying to get the courage to step through my screen door.

I did and held my back to the wall…I felt dizzy, hot, sweaty and thought I might pass out…I backed back into the house.

Well, at least I attempted it.  I had to shut the door and for the last 2 days have been trying to Re-Coop my body’s reaction to my bit of Courage!

Sorry I did not get a picture…I was too shaky to know what I was really up to anyway.  So…I just got out my tablet and went to the Kidsdoodle app I have to make you a picture of Fireworks…I think it turned out just fine!

wpid-150706_103512.png   So who needs outside Fireworks, when you have such a beautiful display on a tablet app?

I will try again soon to go out when people are around.  As I have processed things in the last couple of days, I realized I DID SOMETHING AMAZING!   I actually went into the world…by myself….no entourage to back me up as usual, and even though I do not remember much….for those few seconds….I was Independent!!!!

Feels Great!!!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

A BIT OF INDEPENDENCE ON THE 4TH OF JULY

As the title says….I’m pushing for a bit of “Independence” today…and I believe the 4th is the perfect time for it.  Here is another picture from today…late afternoon…it was more sunny earlier…

wpid-p_20150704_185932.jpg   of course it is getting windy…as you see the flags waving on the neighbors lawn…but I was going to try to go out and water the flowers… yes…a step towards that independence, by going out in the daytime.  But this is what happened not half an hour later…

wpid-p_20150704_193303.jpg   ok…now what is this telling me….either, I needed to go sooner…or maybe it was not meant to be today!!!

I think I held off long enough for an excuse!

I will try to go out a bit later and catch some fireworks….that is, if they still have them.  I can see them from my front door, just over the houses.  They come from the park just down the street, but I think I am going to try to see them from the step this time…Yes the door will be open, for a speedy escape if I need it…I’m seeing blue skies in the distance, and the wind is dying down…Maybe I will get to be independent today after all.

I will let you know!!!

A Great 4th of July to you all!

IT’S FINALLY TIME!!!

I know I have taken a break from writing…Silly, you say, as I have just recently started this Blog.

What… was I too exhausted from writing posts…the 4 or 5 I have posted (the mind is already forgetting)… or could it be that I am just afraid?  Yes you heard…that Fear of moving forward, of getting into things that have been hidden, or pushed down into a place that I do not know if I want to re-live.

Afraid to Move Forward, to Go Further!!!

I started this Blog, as I said, to be Heard…so why then do I continue to discuss, fun, innocent things?  When my intention was to delve deeper…Thus the warning to my readers, that this Blog was not for children, and Many people may not like the content.

I do though, want to write about everything I have inside, and some of that, though hidden from sight most of the time, is fun and innocent…though my innocence is long past!

I have been told by a number of people, that “I Need To Write My Story.”  I guess that they think I have a lot to offer on a certain subject.  But I, for one, think that there are Many more out there, going through similar situations, that have much more to offer, and could do it better.

But…I do want and Need to heal…and I know (from years of counseling) that I cannot Move Forward…without confronting the past…as hard as that may be to do!

Thus my need for this Blog…A way for me to be Heard, Move Forward, Get it out, and do it in a way that will be relatively safe, without giving away my identity…Those of you in similar situations, will fully understand the need to keep yourself silent to those who would do you harm!

So…….Finally…..Let me get a little brave, and show you a picture of my little world…Most of it anyway…this is where I spend most of my days…this is my view….

wpid-p_20150627_141926.jpg     and a few inches away in another window…wpid-p_20150627_141905.jpg

There you have it….My view of the world!

That and the 4 walls I hide behind.  I sometimes get a view of the side of the house, from the outside, or the front porch, but usually in the Late, Late evening….well…Night…as most people are asleep…or the Wee hours of the morning, before the sun rises, and People wake for their days.  I get to see this, to water the plants I have in pots…None of which, are much further that a couple of steps from my Open door (It is locked most often)… open, so I am allowed to run back in, at the first sign of life.

True…I don’t go out much, not without the help of a little Valium.  All a symptom of….ok, I’m going to say it….Past Abuse.  There, it is out…my counselor should be proud of me, as I don’t say it much!

Some Doctors have called it PTSD, Others Agoraphobia, Depression, and others ALL Three! I say JUST PLAIN CRAZY!!!

Any way you slice it…I’m stuck…Stuck in my little world, with baggage no one should have to carry…least of all my Family and Friends…But they trudge along, like troopers, and deal with my baggage….I don’t deserve them!!!  They all care so much and deserve a better Me, to give to them!

This is very hard to deal with, not only myself, but as I said, my Family and Friends.  I feel so very Guilty for putting them through all they have had to go through with me.  I don’t think that feeling will ever go away…or the hurt I see in them.

I know this….I want to react one way….and my Body takes over and does whatever it pleases!!!

I have had Many, Many counseling sessions, and I have a Very Supportive group of Family and Friends, and you would think that I could just “Let it Go”, but that is Much Easier said than Done, as some of you may well know!!!

I truly envy those who have been through similar situations, and can still Brave it all and go out there Fear and All, still functioning, and contributing to society…Making it all look so easy.  And I know that it is not easy for them…I know that it is a daily struggle, just to wake up and put their clothes on…They still do it!   I Admire them!!!

So Why then, can’t I do the same?

Seeing others function like that, makes me feel like a failure…I have spoken at length about this with my counselor, who tries to comfort me by saying…” People handle things in different ways, and in different times…the mind lets you do what will keep you safe, and allows you to do things when you are ready.”

Well…Thats nice…..but…I want it to be different…I want to change….I want to be one of those people who actually goes out there every day, facing their fears, I don’t want to be one of the ones, stuck inside a place, afraid to answer the phone or the door, and sometimes not able to even open the blinds, and seeing the world from a limited view.  I WANT TO CHANGE!!!

My counselor said one of the ways to face things, would be to write about them….he is not a fan of the Blog, as he feels that it may cause me more harm than good…he said that not all people will give feedback that will be helpful.  I say, I’ve already been through Hell and back, so comments from people I don’t even know, and who don’t even know who I really am, somehow does not scare me.  Funny, Giving away all my deepest thoughts, feelings, and experiences to total strangers, does not scare me…but a Hug from a Family Member, who I know will never hurt me, does!!!!  Something is amiss, and I intend to fix it!

I understand this is going to, and has been a difficult process, because I don’t want to go back to my dark places, I don’t want to re-live the horrors of my past, I don’t want to go to places, I have pushed so far down, they are going to be hard to dig up…but I also know, that what I am doing now….is not getting me any further.

I am now willing to try anything, even if it is a Blog, pouring out my Heart and Soul to perfect strangers….Who knows, Maybe I will be able to help someone in the process, maybe I can even help myself!  We will see.

I hope what I have to say, will help, and I hope nothing hurts anyone in any way…that is not my intention.  I will be telling you my experiences, I will let you know what did and did not work for me….THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT IT WILL BE THE SAME FOR YOU AND YOUR SITUATION, AND WHAT WORKS FOR ME, MAY OR MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU…WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS IN “NO WAY” LEGAL ADVICE….I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY, NOR AM I A COUNSELOR!!!!

This is just my experiences, my situations…feel free to share yours, and I will try to post some of them…Be kind to each other..no matter who you are in life, where you are in life…we can all use a kind word or two, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent and not be condemned for….so take this journey with me (or not).

Remember, what works for me, or what works for you, may not work for everyone…you are the only one who truly knows what will work, or how much you can or cannot handle.  The most important part is that you keep yourself SAFE!

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART IS BEING AND STAYING SAFE!!!!  No matter what…If that means getting help, do that. If that means staying where you are and waiting for a plan to take shape, do that.  If it means just reading this blog, maybe sharing your experiences, do that too…but stay Safe…Only you know what that is!

Whatever it is….do something….Like me, Finally…. Because the views from the pictures above, along with the ones you may be seeing from your windows….are NOT the only ones we deserve!!!

I for one…am going to try very hard from this point on….to change….I deserve it, My Family and Friends deserve it, and SO DO YOU!!!!!

Have a Great Day!

Thanks for Hearing!

Yours Truly;

Bea Heard