Back Again

Well, you may have thought that I dropped off the face of the earth.  It almost seems as if I did sometimes.

Sorry that I have not written, here at least, for quite some time.  I have been busy with my Stitching, Knitting, Crocheting, for newborns both in the family and for other families as well.  I will post some of the things I have accomplished.

 

Wish I could say I have accomplished as much within myself as well, but it seems that I have taken more than a step backward in my hope of moving forward dealing with, surviving, and changing the things from my past that need to be confronted.

I want to move forward and keep getting stuck in my own mind.  I know that sometimes my body just takes over and does things I don’t consciously know about.  That’s what is hard about P.T.S.D., with its many layers, each one like an onion, has the ability to make you cry.  Something I try hard to avoid, yet it creeps up on me all the time.

The problem is, it is much easier to just push everything back inside and pretend nothing ever happened.  Because then I would have to admit that I am no longer the strong person I used to be, that I allowed someone to control me to the point that I lost not only that strength but the person inside as well.

It’s late, (or should I say early in the morning) and I was on the computer not really doing much of anything when I checked to see if this blog was still here.  I remembered the password and everything, so I figured it was a sign that I needed to say something.  After all, I started this blog to be heard, so what am I doing being silent?

I’ve made a decision I’ve been silent too long and that I need to continue this journey to be heard.  I know it will take strength that I’m not sure I have as of yet, but if I persevere, I may be able to somehow obtain it.  I hope so.

Along the way, I know I will need a push from supportive people and hope that any of you who read this will let me know how I am doing, along with sharing your stories with me as well.

Thank you for reading.  I hope to have more for you and hear more from you soon.

I’m attaching a picture I found on pinterest…not sure who made it, but it says everything I feel inside.  I Thank the person who made it…It will become my new motto in moving forward.

Thanks for Hearing.

Sincerely; Bea

Now below you will find, what I said I’d post here…just a few of the stitching, knitting and crocheting projects I’ve accomplished, in the time I’ve been silent.

 

            

That’s all for now…Have a Fantastic day!

Almost Four Months Passed

Well, as the title said, it’s almost been four months since my last blog post.  So much has gone on, and I got a message today, that I have been on WordPress for one year.

I feel I have let all of my followers down, as I have not posted in such a long time.  I’m truly sorry.

So much has gone on…some good some bad, as in most everyones life.  My Oldest got married, and I was truly busy with all that.  It was a beautiful wedding, and they are the ones to get all the praise, as they did everything themselves…I made the cake (another story for another day), and gave a shower to my now new daughter, but other than that, I was just along for the ride…and it was amazing.

It did get me out of my cave more than I really wanted, and it was not without hiccups. I did have a few flashbacks, and was glad they did not happen during the most important times of their wedding…I also had a few brothers who looked out for me, and recognized the signs…took me out, and calmed me down.

I should preface this all with the fact that I have not had Meds for almost 8 months now, nor have I been to a counselor or doctor in that time, because I lost some insurance and cannot pay for things on my own…so…the flashbacks, etc., happen more frequently, and me going out of the house is more terrifying than usual.  So all the things I did during that time are a bit of a blur.  I’m so happy that there are pictures to remind me, and that I did not ruin their day!

I gained not only a daughter, but a granddaughter as well…a beautiful, kind, loving soul, who brings joy into my life, in more ways than I can count.

We have also had other weddings in the family (and extended family), that got me out of the cave as well..again…not without hiccups…and I am still recovering from it all, but happy to say, it’s getting better day by day.

On the down side…we almost lost a place to live (myself and the other two children living with me), but thanks to God and the wonderful people in my life, we were able to work that out.  My children lost their jobs, which put them into a depression, as they had a hard time finding another one…Happy to announce, one is back to work, the other has a new prospect…God Willing, someone will hire soon.

I am hoping to get back into the swing of things very soon.  I cannot believe how hard it is living with P.T.S.D., and the effects….just when you think you have it under control…something else rears it’s ugly head to stomp you down…But…I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!

So, Thank you for following, reading, listening, I am happy to have been part of this forum for 1 year, and hope to be more diligent throughout the next one.

Sorry there are not any pictures for this post…The camera portion of my tablet is not working properly. I am currently working on a solution to that problem.

Thanks so much for Hearing!

Have a Great Day!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

December View From My Window

This is it…My December view from the window….

I the flowers are lovely.  They make me smile, and what little snow we have left from our first and only snow of the season, I think, makes a nice background.

Suffering with the P.T.S.D. as I do, it really helps to have something fun to look at, while I’m inside doing so many things.

My goal is to one day, get out there and decorate around the entire fence… baby steps.

I spoke about the nativity that my friends gave us so long ago, and how I put it up every year, first, without the baby Jesus…so, I thought I would take a picture or two, so you could see the wonderful gift for yourself.

This is the picture of the Hand-Carved nativity…made from Olive Wood from the Holy Land!

The next picture needs a bit of a set-up…My youngest saw the nativity…as pictured above, and said…where is the night, and where are all the stars in the sky (he was not satisfied with the star at the top)?

Then he went to his room, came back with a dark blue ribbon he had saved, and some of the star tinsel from the small tree we had put in their room, he placed it carefully on top of the nativity….it has been there ever since…

You may notice an ornament on the side…well that was my middle childs contribution to the nativity…it opens and you can put things into it…he said it was a gift for the Baby Jesus…like the wise men gave…so we put it on the side where the wise men are.

Now you know the full story of the Nativity in our house….it is such a special way to remember friends, past years, the children when they were young, and a way to do good deeds for others…all the while celebrating this wonderful season of Christ’s birth.

Let me know some of your traditions for whatever season you celebrate…I would love to hear you!

Thanks again for Hearing.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Where Did That Come From?

I’m not adding many pictures today…the one above seemed to say it all for me.

This post, as it is titled, stems from an incident I had yesterday.

As most of you know…I was in a domestic violence relationship.  I have aquired severe P.T.S.D. as a result.   Flashbacks come less often than they used to, but when they come up…It drains me.

This one came from out of the blue…Not even sure, sitting here, what triggered it. Let me explain…

I’m having coffee, enjoying the sunny morning and knitting a baby shower gift.  It was a nice morning.  I wasn’t worried about anything, had no reason to be afraid, I was in a safe place.

The next thing I remember, I’m huddled in a corner of the living room, that quite frankly, I’m not sure how I fit into the space…and my 2 children were there.

They, again, as in past episodes, had fearful looks on their faces.  They were obviously trying to talk me back to reality.  I did not know what I did, said, or how I came to be there, but they explained…

They told me that they heard me yelling to call the police, and there was a lot of banging, and they heard me running from room to room.  So they ran upstairs and saw that I was alone…obviously in a flashback.

I thought one of my children was my abuser at one point, and ran to hide in the place I ended up when I became coherent.

I think the worst thing about living with the effects of life after abuse, for me, is the guilt of what I am putting my family through. They suffered through abuse as well, but are not having the flashbacks that I am having at this time.

I feel that they have suffered enough, and don’t deserve to have to live through my baggage as well.

I am trying hard to change how I handle things…it is a long slow process.

I will not give up, and I hope my family does not give up either.

Thanks for hearing, and Thanks to my children for their patience.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard