Quick Update…

Today, I felt that I would like to update you on our October 18th Celebration and a few other things.

We had a Great time together…Watched Fast and Furious 7, and made Pizza (I make the dough, they make their own pizza), and of course we had our toast.  Then my oldest stayed the night (nice!!!), and we were able to have a long overdue talk.

This past week has been a trying one (I know it is Wednesday, I mean since last Wednesday)… My youngest is 19 and likes to think showing no emotion and being strong all the time is how life should be lived, had something happen in my child’s upper neck, that at first I thought must be the way it was slept on. But alas..that was not it, because even when there was absolutely no movement…the pain would shoot at random.  Tried to set up a trip to the doctor…but that was a..No Go!  So it is still being dealt with…pain is intermittent.  It is hard to see your child in such pain, and be unable to do anything to make it better…As a Mom, we like to make things better.

My middle child is having a hard time with job and finances, and tries so hard to make everything work.  Just needs to calm down and relax a bit. Want to help, but don’t have the resources necessary!  Just trying to be supportive.

My oldest is making decisions that I wish I could change, but as a parent you can only give advice and step back, let them make their own decisions and be there to help them if they need you…Hard when they are no longer small enough to do for them.

So now to me.   I have been trying to find work to do in my home, but the options are so very limited.  P.T.S.D., and the way it is affecting me, is hard to deal with, especially when you need money to survive.

An opportunity presented itself, and I jumped right on it…waited…got a return email…needed to take an online test…did not have a computer that allowed what they needed…borrowed one…took the test…did ok I guess, as I got a return email to go forward. By this time the computer I borrowed was no longer here…tried on my small computer…could not finish, because of said computer…needless to say…got another email stating…they were looking elsewhere for the right fit.

Ok…Onward and upward…thats all I can say.  I will not give up…not on my children…not in my job search…and most definitely, Not in my Recovery!!!

Thanks for Hearing! (sorry not pictures today)

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Living with P.T.S.D.

It took a very long time for me to understand the above statement.  I was one of those who thought that something was wrong with me.  Through many counseling sessions, and Doctor visits, along with conversations with family and friends, I have now come to accept that it IS something that happened to me. I also accept that I DO have P.T.S.D.!

I thought that P.T.S.D. was something that happened only to those in the military. Boy was I wrong!  Everyone, and I mean Everyone is susceptible to the Hell that is P.T.S.D., and it is a terrifying thing to live with.

As if the trauma that got you there is not enough, they throw in Flashbacks, anxiety, Depression, and a whole boatload of other things.  This is what you have to look forward to, AFTER, the trauma!

Now, not all people (even those sharing the same traumatic experience) develop P.T.S.D.,  some people’s brains handle stress, violence,etc., different.  But there are those whose Hippocampus (learned that from my Doctor) and Amygdala don’t communicate well (my words, not the doctors…it’s what I took from the conversation).  You see…the Amygdala is the part of the brain in charge of Emotional Memory…and especially Fear related memories.  But, in cases of P.T.S.D., the persons Hippocampus (the portion in charge of placing memories in the correct order and placing it in a safe place), is suppressed.  And that…in simple terms is what causes the person with P.T.S.D., to have Flashbacks.  Those lovely things that put you right back in the midst of the situation that got you here…fun…right….NOT!!!!

Children suffer from P.T.S.D.

That being said…again, anyone is subject to acquiring P.T.S.D., given the right (or should I say Wrong) circumstances.

Of course we know that Military personnel suffer the effects of being in war situations, and can develop P.T.S.D., but so can the people who see these things, those who are living in areas where war takes place.  Also, those who see live footage on T.V., could possibly acquire P.T.S.D., if what they see makes them afraid.

Victims of Bullying, Abuse, Shootings, Bombings….first responders who see the aftermath of violent or destructive events, are also prone to P.T.S.D..  Those who work in hospitals, who see traumatic things…you see…anyone and I mean ANYONE, is at risk.

It took me a long time, as I said to admit that the Abuse I suffered could cause me to have P.T.S.D., I guess, I just thought it was anyone who was Brave, and withstood horrific things in war, that were ok to have it…. as if it were a badge of courage that they earned.  Not so…it is your own living Hell…with no escape.  You can’t wake up one day and it is gone.  There is no cure…much like some medical diseases.

You need to seek help if you have P.T.S.D., and here are some of the signs to look for…

and this is some of the treatments used…

If you have P.T.S.D., or know someone who does…HANG IN THERE!!!

It may not be curable, but there is hope to subdue some of the effects.

I was afraid to talk to anyone about my Abuse at first…I guess I thought that my abuser would somehow know that I was talking about it, and come back and follow through with the threats made against my life and the lives of those I Loved.

       

I know that he is capable of following through, because he has in the past.  But I will never heal, if I don’t talk about them…The Nightmares will never stop, if I don’t talk them through and find a place for them.  Because my Hippocampus was suppressed and did not allow the amygdala to do its job.  You see…it’s something out of our control. The only way to get any relief, is to talk to those who have been trained to help, and the ones who know what you are going through.

Does it really happen like this?

I know that therapy helps…I know I need to get back to it.  I have been away from it for some time, because I could not pay for it.  There are places though that help without you having to pay..you need to ask your Doctor…they have avenues you can use.

Let me tell you one of the ways I know that Therapy helps.  I have many recurring dreams, about things that happened…some are not real things, just something my brain makes up.  But they all seem very real, and I never fail to wake up in a sweat!

My counselor said that if we talked about them in our sessions, he felt they may subside…it’s that amygdala/hippocampus thing again…where your brain needs to process it, so it can be put in the proper place where it will not jump out and bug you again, and again.

So, he asked me to pick one of the worst dreams, and we would talk about it the next week.  Of course, I have a hard time talking about anything that happened, and dreams are no exception…I couldn’t bring myself to go into one of the worst…so I picked a “funny” one…of course it is in Quotations, because it is not really funny, but when I tell it you will understand.

In my dream…I drive a bus full of school children, and my friend is driving a bus that is following me.  We drive down the street to the house where I lived when the abuse took place…now…I don’t know why I would be driving a bus load of school children to a house where an abuser lives, but the dream goes on.  I stop across the street from the driveway, and suprize…I get the children out of the bus…my friend comes up with her bus children and puts them on my bus.  I ask her to stay with the children (my bus kids) while I walk across the street.  Now…I don’t know why I’m even walking across the street…I don’t even want to be there.  When I get to the other side…all the sudden a huge tree comes crashing down, and falls on his Truck!

Not his truck…he did not even have a truck…don’t know why it was in my dream.

Well…I start to laugh hysterically (those who know me know that if I’m afraid, I laugh) and then the hairs on the back of my neck stick up, I turn around and there he is…..That is when I wake up, sweating and laughing.

“So, Doc,” I say…”what does it mean?”

He then proceeds to discuss with me, that he thinks the bus children represent my own children, and that having my friend stay with them is my way of protecting them while I face something scary (not his word).  The fact that I crossed the street…he said indicates my willingness to confront some of the issues I’m having, even if it is hard…the tree falling, he said, may represent the Abuse and it hitting his truck could indicate that I want to smash his control over me.  Of course him being behind me after it happened, could indicate that I still fear him (of course) and always feel as if he is behind me no matter what I do.

Well…all of it seemed to make a little sense to me, but when I left the office that day, I was a little more than skeptical, as to whether it would make a difference in my dreams.

Wow…I did not have the dream that night…nor have I ever had it again!  So, I must say there is a method to his (my therapist) madness.  It did work…but unfortunately I have been unable to test the theory further, as it was the second to last visit I had with him….and we were making such good progress.

I know I need to get back to counseling, and to my Doctor for the pills I was taking to help reduce the stress (yes they were working…didn’t realize till I did not have them).  It all helps, and I know I need to find a way to get back to it.  Because my symptoms are increasing ten fold.

Things need to change, because it affects everyone in your life when you suffer with P.T.S.D., not just you.  So in my NON-PROFESSIONAL opinion…Get Help!  It really does Help!

 

Just an F.Y.I.

You can live with P.T.S.D., it may be a long hard road…and an ongoing battle. But I do see a light at the end of the tunnel…Maybe even living outside of my cave.

Good Luck to all of you living with P.T.S.D.!  Feel free to comment and share your experiences.

Thanks for listening!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Our B.A.C.A. Angels

I have to take a few minutes to tell you about a group of people who saved our family.  These were people who I did not want to let into our lives.  The reasons were many… some of the reasons were… I did not want more people who could potentially betray us, as had been done in the past. I did not want to explain our situation again, as it had been done so many times, we were all tired of trying.  I did not trust many people to do what they said they would do, as we had already been told we would be helped by people in the court system…only to be pushed further back.  And Last…I did not want a group of “BIKERS”, around my children…to me, they were a scary bunch of people.  Don’t get me wrong…I have family and friends that are motorcycle riders, and who ride with other motorcycle riders, but a Group of Bikers….there has always been a stigma surrounding them.

I WAS WRONG!!!!!!  This organization turned out to be the biggest group of Angels we have ever seen.

This and all pictures taken from Google, the B.A.C.A. website, and YouTube.

I first heard about them from my family, who were miles away from us, and yes, we felt all alone…even though we had friends who supported us, it was not like having your family there.  My mother called me and said she had been in contact with a group of people who could help us.  As she started talking about them, I couldn’t believe that MY MOM, was telling be to associate myself with a group of Bikers.  I told her I did not want to do it.  She gave me the phone number of a person I needed to contact, and I don’t know what happened to it, but I lost it…not by accident, I’m certain.

After many court dates about a number of things, and my children being more and more afraid to do things…we did not go out much, other than school or work, and they did not play in the yard anymore, for fear that their abuser would take them.  It was a living Hell!

One day, as I was coming home from work with my children, I noticed a biker at the end of the street…it was a unsusal site on that rural stretch of road.  It unnerved me a bit, because I was worried about our abuser, and the threats that had been made due to an upcoming court date.  I went in the house and called my Mom, who along with a brother was coming to be with us during court.  This date was not for about a month, and I was just talking to her about my concerns.  She said. “Don’t be afraid, they wont hurt you.”  I was in shock…my Mom knew about some biker being on my street.  I asked if she had sent them, and told her she had no right to do it.  She said that as a Mom, I should be able to understand the helplessness she felt, thinking her child was in danger, and she only wanted to do something to help.

Well, that did it…I listened to her, as I realized I was not the only mother afraid for her children.  She told me she was in contact with them (B.A.C.A.) and told them about the threats that were given to us…she also said that they had a few  members in the area that would ride by once in a while to make sure things were ok…but, they could not come in and talk to us, or do anything except call the police if something were amiss, unless we contacted them and allowed them to come in.

After she explained that they would not even stop at the end of our driveway without our permission…it made a big difference to me, I realize that they respected our situation and would respect our boundaries as well.

That night I made the call and 2 days later was the first visit.  You have to know that I was so very scared to allow anyone into our lives, but they explained what they were there for, and what they did, and I felt that if my children could feel safe, have a good nights sleep, and testify in court, it would be worth it.

We kept our curtains shut, and it looked like no one lived at our house most of the time.  We were inside, waiting for them to come, and heard the thunderous sound of the bikes,well before they came down our street.  We all looked at each other, and I could tell that my children were a little apprehensive.  I said, “It’s ok, they are coming to help us.”  I did not even know if I believed my own words.  Then we heard them come into the driveway, and slowly but surely it became silent, as each of the bikes found a place and they turned them off.  We did not see them come, as we just stood in the living room, curtains closed, waiting.

Then the knock came at the door, and I hesitantly went to open it.  When I did, I saw a very Tall Menacing looking man standing there.  I wondered if I had made a mistake in my decision to allow them to come.  He was soft-spoken when he introduced himself, and asked us all to come out and meet the group.  When we did, my children clung to me, as I have never seen them do before.  The leader spoke to them by getting down to their level.  He let them know that they were there to protect them, and that they were a family, and wanted my children to be one of their family. Then they gave them each a jacket with a patch on the back and told them that they were now part of the B.A.C.A. family, and when they wore those jackets, it let all members of B.A.C.A. know that they were a B.A.C.A. child.  They gave them a few other things, and Each of my children, slowly warmed up to them…they even put them on the bikes to see how it felt to be on a motorcycle.  They loved it.

of course this is not my child…the message is the same.

Then the leader asked me to go into the house so we could take care of some paperwork and talk about what they would be doing….WHAT…GO INSIDE AND LEAVE MY CHILDREN OUTSIDE???  I did not say those words, but you could see that he knew what I was thinking, because he said…”You can open those curtains and watch them from the window.”  He promised, that they would be safe, and if I felt uncomfortable, I could come back out with them.

I can’t tell you why, but I felt at ease at that point.  This never happened, especially with strangers, and I never trusted people I did not know with my children…Because even people I did know, turned out to be the ones to hurt them.

We went in, and as we were talking, a Miracle happened…I heard laughter…something I had not heard from my children for quite some time, and when I looked up…They were playing…actually playing, and it continued…it started getting dark and it seemed they did not even notice.  I started to cry…then I felt a hand on my shoulder and one of the angels said to me.  ” I Promised you would be safe, and I think your children know it too.”

He was right…they did so much for us in that small space of time, and it only continued.  They visited often, my children came out of their shells, and felt safe, we went to court among an entourage of bikers and my children stood tall.

This is the type of thing you see everywhere, when B.A.C.A. takes a child to court.

It was a long road, because court was cancelled, postponed, etc., many times, but every time… B.A.C.A. was there, every step of the way…Even when the District Attorney was hesitant to allow them in the courtroom.  We had a practice run, where the District Attorney, and the Children went into the courtroom and he told them where they would be and what they would do…he asked B.A.C.A. to stay outside the courtroom when they were practicing, and they were very nervous.  One of my children had a really hard time…kept fidgeting, and not concentrating on the questions, and even stuttering…then the District Attorney asked if they wanted their friends to come into the courtroom…it was a resounding YES.  After they came in, my child smiled, and stopped fidgeting, and when asked the questions, was able to state the answer clearly and without stuttering.  The District Attorney turned to me and said… “They can stay!”

This is a group of B.A.C.A. members supporting the children…they usually take the seats furthest to the front…in our case…they took up most of the courtroom, and surrounded the victims supporters.

That was it…they were allowed into the courtroom, and it made all the difference.

I guess what I want to say with this post is  THANK YOU!  Thanks to Chief for founding such a wonderful group. Thanks to all the members around the world who take time from their own schedules, both personal and work to help children get through some of the worst times of their lives, and for giving them their strength back.  This group of selfless people change lives.

If you need them, or if you know of someone who needs them  go to http://www.bacaworld.org   –   You will not be sorry that you did.

You do need to have an open court case for them to get involved, but they can also give you information and help you find the people to contact if you do not have an open case.

This is a screenshot of the website.
http://www.bacaworld.org

We were lucky enough to meet Chief one time, and my children were in heaven.  I was so grateful.  I hope all our B.A.C.A. Angels know how much they changed our lives.  We are still friends with one of the angels who came into our lives, and we cherish the friendship.  We are also grateful for all those who came from all over to help us…your sacrafices and selfless acts will never be forgotten.

Thanks for hearing us!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

STRUGGLING!

That word can mean so many things. From Struggling with your first steps, words, feelings, when you are small, to growing up and struggling with peers, fitting in, homework, making the grade, getting into a good college…or getting in to one at all.

Then there is the struggle with world Hunger, racism, Political Unrest, Homelessness, Mental Health, Body Image, Phobias, Fears, Money Issues…

In general… Everyone, Everywhere has some kind of tightrope to walk each day, and as the saying goes…”You cannot judge someone, until you have walked a mile in their shoes.”  That is so true, because the tightrope you are walking, and the tightrope I’m walking, and the tightrope others are walking, are not just real, but the fall can be as damaging to me as it can be for you.

Found this picture at vividlife.me

I know I have been guilty of making statements like….. “If they want to know what problems are, I’ll show them problems.”…or… “What do they know of trouble, they should have my life?”…. and the big one…”They deserve it, they brought it on themselves.”

Why is it then, that when we hear statements like that, we are quick to get upset at those who made them, but cannot even recognize when we do it ourselves? We all face our individual demons in life.

Such a Powerful picture…I found it on thedistinctdot.com…and to me it can mean so many things…our struggles with body image, our trapped demons, our reaching out to others….everyone can see here what they need to see.

I sit here struggling with a Mental Health issue, and I see things posted on Facebook and other social media, that condemns problems like I face, and Millions of others in the world face much of the same.  Then I recoil, and retreat back into my little cave of a world, where I feel safe, and don’t have to hear or read anything that makes me feel smaller than I already feel.

I know there are many out there who share those same feelings…maybe not for the same reasons…someone may be shrinking back from the crowd because of low self-esteem, some from peer pressure, some from racism, others still from any number of Phobias, fears, etc.

We need to stop Judging others, and thinking that because they are Bigger or Smaller, Thinner or Thicker, Black or White, Christian or Muslim, Poor or Wealthy, Outgoing or introverted…that they need to somehow be fixed by us… We can help in healing IF THEY NEED IT(why do we think that people need to be fixed if they are different…they will ask for help if they need it, or they may not be ready for help if they do need it.), but we are wrong to Judge them, and persecute them because of what they wear or the way that they think.

Take the time to WALK IN THEIR SHOES…and I don’t mean to just think about it for a few seconds…Really take the time to get to know about the things you are unfamiliar with…because it is in Not Knowing that we make the mistake of Judging.

If you really knew my problems, or If I really knew yours, we would be less likely to do and say things that are hurtful, and or harmful to others.

I struggled today to get out of bed, and go about my day…then I think…there are some out there who don’t even have a place to lay their head.  It was only then, when I thought about others that I was able to get myself out of my cave…but I don’t want to be judged as to why I need my cave in the first place.

 No one wants to be judged unfairly…NO ONE!  We all need to understand that each of our struggles are very real and very debilitating, in our individual realities…Then we need to show a little more compassion when looking at others….maybe that is when our own struggles, won’t be as hard to handle.

Thanks for Hearing!

Bea Heard