Almost Four Months Passed

Well, as the title said, it’s almost been four months since my last blog post.  So much has gone on, and I got a message today, that I have been on WordPress for one year.

I feel I have let all of my followers down, as I have not posted in such a long time.  I’m truly sorry.

So much has gone on…some good some bad, as in most everyones life.  My Oldest got married, and I was truly busy with all that.  It was a beautiful wedding, and they are the ones to get all the praise, as they did everything themselves…I made the cake (another story for another day), and gave a shower to my now new daughter, but other than that, I was just along for the ride…and it was amazing.

It did get me out of my cave more than I really wanted, and it was not without hiccups. I did have a few flashbacks, and was glad they did not happen during the most important times of their wedding…I also had a few brothers who looked out for me, and recognized the signs…took me out, and calmed me down.

I should preface this all with the fact that I have not had Meds for almost 8 months now, nor have I been to a counselor or doctor in that time, because I lost some insurance and cannot pay for things on my own…so…the flashbacks, etc., happen more frequently, and me going out of the house is more terrifying than usual.  So all the things I did during that time are a bit of a blur.  I’m so happy that there are pictures to remind me, and that I did not ruin their day!

I gained not only a daughter, but a granddaughter as well…a beautiful, kind, loving soul, who brings joy into my life, in more ways than I can count.

We have also had other weddings in the family (and extended family), that got me out of the cave as well..again…not without hiccups…and I am still recovering from it all, but happy to say, it’s getting better day by day.

On the down side…we almost lost a place to live (myself and the other two children living with me), but thanks to God and the wonderful people in my life, we were able to work that out.  My children lost their jobs, which put them into a depression, as they had a hard time finding another one…Happy to announce, one is back to work, the other has a new prospect…God Willing, someone will hire soon.

I am hoping to get back into the swing of things very soon.  I cannot believe how hard it is living with P.T.S.D., and the effects….just when you think you have it under control…something else rears it’s ugly head to stomp you down…But…I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!

So, Thank you for following, reading, listening, I am happy to have been part of this forum for 1 year, and hope to be more diligent throughout the next one.

Sorry there are not any pictures for this post…The camera portion of my tablet is not working properly. I am currently working on a solution to that problem.

Thanks so much for Hearing!

Have a Great Day!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Catching Up

So much has happened since my last post.  Our house has been through it’s share of ups and downs during the first part of 2016.

My hope was that the New Year would bring new and wonderful change.  I was right, change did happen…some new and not so wonderful, and some new and wonderful.

We must take the good with the bad.

The children I have still living here…lost jobs, one is back full time and the other is part time, so things are a bit better along those lines.  I am still looking for something to do that will make money for the house, while being in the house, due to not being able to venture outside for any extended period of time.  It is very frustrating.

Illness came back with a vengence, and we all had our share.  I not only had the sick, but injuries from beatings I took, came back to haunt me.  My back…that was broken and never fixed (healed wrong), has been giving me fits…the Doctors want to put metal rods on each side of my spine…not something I want to venture into right now…so…I will deal with things, until I can no longer function, then do the surgery.

On the Wonderful side….My oldest is getting married in March and with that union comes a grandchild….WOW!  It is an amazing thing to think,that I am now a grandmother, and I must say, it is Fantastic.  Children are such good medicine.  I forgot what it was like to have a 2nd grader in the house.  To re-visit the imagination, energy, and pure innocence, is an amazing thing.  Brings back memories of when mine were that age.

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It is also a Huge incentive to work that much harder, to get out into this amazing world, so I can share the adventures a child that age brings.

So…if anyone out there has any ideas on how to bring money into my home, without leaving it…I would be grateful for the suggestions.

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Looking for work, like Snoopy…Thank you Mr. Schulz for this one!

I am also open to suggestions and comments on how to better deal with the PTSD and all its vile ways.

I hope 2016 is being good to you all, and I am grateful to all of you for hearing me!

I Love my Family and Friends, and want you all to know I appreciate all the support and help you give.

Thanks to all my Blog followers for hanging in there and being patient with my posts.  I appreciate you reading and Hearing, along with the comments.

I thank God above all for always being there for me, and may He Bless all of you!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

 

Baking Therapy

Baking things is one of my self-imposed Therapies…. It helps me to concentrate my thoughts into a single task.

I love kneading bread and shaping rolls/ loaves, and bread baskets.  wpid-100_2587.jpg  These are just a few of the items I Love to make…displayed in a bread basket…the basket is as much fun to make as it is to eat.

This time of year, I get to do more of it than I usually do, for more than one reason… at this time of year the baking warms the kitchen…and is great for the Holiday tables, along with gift giving.

I learned Baking Therapy from my Mom…and Grandmother (her Mom)… Mine would make bread for our meals…and all types…my Grandmother made the Best rolls (of which we have yet to duplicate)…and I remember one time when I was at her house…the smell of fresh-baked bread in the air.  She was punching down the bread and said with a smile…”I love that part…gets out all my frustrations,” and she was not light handed when she punched it down.  She was right…it is a great way to get out aggression and the warmth of the dough was helpful to her arthritis.

My Children Love fresh-baked bread, as a matter of fact…my oldest only likes it fresh from the oven…or a few hours old. He usually asks when he comes over and sees the bread…”How long ago did you make that?”   If I made it more than two hours past…he tends not to want any .  Don’t get me wrong…he will eat it if he really wants some…but he says he does not enjoy it as much…wants me to call him when I’m making it so he can get it fresh (spoiled Boy)!

I guess it is my Therapy, because if I am stressed, worried or having a hard time dealing with the struggles with my abusive past, it gives me a focus, and makes the house smell delicious, along with the memories of baking with my Mom and Grandma…it is an all around Stress-reducer.

So…if you are stressed…Try Baking…not only can you calm down…but you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor afterwards!

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Enjoy your Day!!!  Happy Baking and Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

SURVIVAL

Surviving can take many forms.  It can be many things and look very different in everyone’s life.

Websters definition of Survival is this…

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So, I believe that my survival, looks vastly different from your survival, and our survival looks different from the rest of the world.  We all need to be aware that there are different levels of survival in our own lives and in the lives of others.

I survive day-to-day, and at the worst of times it can  be second to second.  But my second to second is nothing like the second to second for this person…

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or these people…

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and completely different from these…

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 I guess what I am trying to say is this.  We all survive.  We survive a work day…

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We survive Loss, loneliness, abuse, war, peace, financial ups and downs, winters, summers, school, friends, family, religion, race…I can go on and on about the types and ways we all survive.

As a Human race we have survived through many things.  We have grown and developed, changed along the way (not always for the better), and hopefully we learn from the lessons survival teaches us.

Let’s all try to remember that we are not alone in our survival, though at times it may feel that way.

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We need others to help us on whatever path we may take…yes, some things we must do alone, but in the long run…we survive best together.

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So, if you see someone who is surviving, lend a hand, if you need someone while you are surviving, reach out.  Then the paths we all must walk, will not seem so lonely…

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 we can begin to heal, and survive to see the light of another day…

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Believe you are Strong, because you are, Believe you can do anything you set your mind to, because you can…The road is not going to be without its bumps, but it can be Survived!

 Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

FINALLY IS FINALLY HERE

I know you have heard it from me before…but this time…I am really serious!  Let me tell you why I know that to be true.

Since my last Re-Coop post…Much has happened…me being without meds for the P.T.S.D., has taken a toll…not all in a good way.

But I am re-energized, I have actually been out there in the world…I can prove it…

My Family started a team for the American Cancer Society, for the Relay for Life event that they hold each year.  Well….I joined, and since I told all my friends and Family I was doing it…I could not back out.  And they make a Great Entourage!

Everyone had my back…I got to walk the Survivors Lap (as if Abuse was not enough of a lesson…Leukemia CML…was thrown in for good measure)  and here is the wonderful Purple T-Shirt to prove it…

The shirt is a more vivid purple than it looks on this picture!

AThe shirt is a more vivid purple than it looks on this picture!

And another one of the back of the shirt…

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I got that one, because my family put me in for the Survivors lap…I did it, with their help…so many in the family have had cancer, not just me…but others there that day too.  Family and Friends, some newly made that day.

I can’t believe I actually did it….I unfortunately did not make it the entire night…The rest of the team did, but I had, as Night fell, and after the candlelight lap (so emotional) an incident that put me out of comission…I wanted so bad to do the whole thing, but my body did not want to co-operate.

My goal was 24 laps…but I only made 17 as you can see here from the beads…they gave us a bead for each lap finished…

17 laps...more next year...God Willing!

17 laps…more next year…God Willing!

And here is a picture of the end of the Survivors lap, where we let balloons go, whenever we heard something in a song they played, that inspired us, we were to let the balloon we were holding go…looks like everyone almost hit the same point in the song…to be honest, I cannot remember the name of the song…I need to ask someone, it was Beautiful!

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But even though I did not make it through to the morning….and I was heartbroken…I realized this was a HUGE step.  Especially, since I have not been out in a public place for anywhere near that amount of time (6 hours) for a very, very long time!

Even without meds…it can be done….I have though, been trying to compose myself and Push myself a little each day since….Those beautiful flowers from my window that I posted a while back…. I have gone out there now and then….not just sending the children..to water them and dead head them…Not as often as I would like, but just enough to push myself.

Here it is to refresh your memory…

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Another accomplishment happened yesterday…I actually went to Church, with a friend…and you will really laugh, because the Church is LITERALLY, next door to my house.  Of course, I hung out in the Choir loft, the Priest allowed me to be there,since he knows of my situation, and generously offered, because the choir was not singing this Sunday.  I made it through that too.

Yes…my nightmares have been more frequent, and even a bit more vivid…but healing does not come without pain I suppose…..so I have got to be Brave…if not for me…for those around me who Love me and have supported me through all of this.

In the process I hope to help others as well…as I said when I began this blog…I want to be heard, and help others be heard as well.

I had a conversation yesterday with one of my siblings…and besides the great Ab workout I get whenever we speak (all the laughing), my fire was lit and this time, hopefully for good.  It was said in that conversation, after much back and fourth about why I have not “written my book yet”, and there was always a comeback for my excuses… “You want to help people, but Who are you helping if you don’t write it?”  Well that did it….it was the exact thing I needed to hear, in the exact way and in the exact time….everything happens for a reason, and in the right time….Right?

So, after spending all night, and I mean literally, all night, and 4 pots of coffee later 2 and 1/2 pencils..I have been writing…with a vengence…the words somehow will not stop, and it FEELS GREAT!

I also came to a realization that I will not be sharing the experiences that happened at length in this blog…because one of the reasons came clear to me, as to why I was not blogging or writing the book so much….it is because, I do not want my children to read some of the things, nor some of my Family…but my stalwart sibling had an answer for that too….”Ask them not to read it…if they respect you, they won’t do it.”

True… and I agree… so, I will be asking some people not to read it, and since this blog is so very public…I will keep to a minimum the stories of my life…post only those that have been heard by my loved ones…and I will use this venue as a platform to reach others who are in similar situations, and update you on the progress of the book…my healing, and hopefully the healing of others.

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard