Catching Up

So much has happened since my last post.  Our house has been through it’s share of ups and downs during the first part of 2016.

My hope was that the New Year would bring new and wonderful change.  I was right, change did happen…some new and not so wonderful, and some new and wonderful.

We must take the good with the bad.

The children I have still living here…lost jobs, one is back full time and the other is part time, so things are a bit better along those lines.  I am still looking for something to do that will make money for the house, while being in the house, due to not being able to venture outside for any extended period of time.  It is very frustrating.

Illness came back with a vengence, and we all had our share.  I not only had the sick, but injuries from beatings I took, came back to haunt me.  My back…that was broken and never fixed (healed wrong), has been giving me fits…the Doctors want to put metal rods on each side of my spine…not something I want to venture into right now…so…I will deal with things, until I can no longer function, then do the surgery.

On the Wonderful side….My oldest is getting married in March and with that union comes a grandchild….WOW!  It is an amazing thing to think,that I am now a grandmother, and I must say, it is Fantastic.  Children are such good medicine.  I forgot what it was like to have a 2nd grader in the house.  To re-visit the imagination, energy, and pure innocence, is an amazing thing.  Brings back memories of when mine were that age.

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It is also a Huge incentive to work that much harder, to get out into this amazing world, so I can share the adventures a child that age brings.

So…if anyone out there has any ideas on how to bring money into my home, without leaving it…I would be grateful for the suggestions.

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Looking for work, like Snoopy…Thank you Mr. Schulz for this one!

I am also open to suggestions and comments on how to better deal with the PTSD and all its vile ways.

I hope 2016 is being good to you all, and I am grateful to all of you for hearing me!

I Love my Family and Friends, and want you all to know I appreciate all the support and help you give.

Thanks to all my Blog followers for hanging in there and being patient with my posts.  I appreciate you reading and Hearing, along with the comments.

I thank God above all for always being there for me, and may He Bless all of you!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

 

December View From My Window

This is it…My December view from the window….

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I the flowers are lovely.  They make me smile, and what little snow we have left from our first and only snow of the season, I think, makes a nice background.

Suffering with the P.T.S.D. as I do, it really helps to have something fun to look at, while I’m inside doing so many things.

My goal is to one day, get out there and decorate around the entire fence… baby steps.

I spoke about the nativity that my friends gave us so long ago, and how I put it up every year, first, without the baby Jesus…so, I thought I would take a picture or two, so you could see the wonderful gift for yourself.

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This is the picture of the Hand-Carved nativity…made from Olive Wood from the Holy Land!

The next picture needs a bit of a set-up…My youngest saw the nativity…as pictured above, and said…where is the night, and where are all the stars in the sky (he was not satisfied with the star at the top)?

Then he went to his room, came back with a dark blue ribbon he had saved, and some of the star tinsel from the small tree we had put in their room, he placed it carefully on top of the nativity….it has been there ever since…

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You may notice an ornament on the side…well that was my middle childs contribution to the nativity…it opens and you can put things into it…he said it was a gift for the Baby Jesus…like the wise men gave…so we put it on the side where the wise men are.

Now you know the full story of the Nativity in our house….it is such a special way to remember friends, past years, the children when they were young, and a way to do good deeds for others…all the while celebrating this wonderful season of Christ’s birth.

Let me know some of your traditions for whatever season you celebrate…I would love to hear you!

Thanks again for Hearing.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Quick Update…

Today, I felt that I would like to update you on our October 18th Celebration and a few other things.

We had a Great time together…Watched Fast and Furious 7, and made Pizza (I make the dough, they make their own pizza), and of course we had our toast.  Then my oldest stayed the night (nice!!!), and we were able to have a long overdue talk.

This past week has been a trying one (I know it is Wednesday, I mean since last Wednesday)… My youngest is 19 and likes to think showing no emotion and being strong all the time is how life should be lived, had something happen in my child’s upper neck, that at first I thought must be the way it was slept on. But alas..that was not it, because even when there was absolutely no movement…the pain would shoot at random.  Tried to set up a trip to the doctor…but that was a..No Go!  So it is still being dealt with…pain is intermittent.  It is hard to see your child in such pain, and be unable to do anything to make it better…As a Mom, we like to make things better.

My middle child is having a hard time with job and finances, and tries so hard to make everything work.  Just needs to calm down and relax a bit. Want to help, but don’t have the resources necessary!  Just trying to be supportive.

My oldest is making decisions that I wish I could change, but as a parent you can only give advice and step back, let them make their own decisions and be there to help them if they need you…Hard when they are no longer small enough to do for them.

So now to me.   I have been trying to find work to do in my home, but the options are so very limited.  P.T.S.D., and the way it is affecting me, is hard to deal with, especially when you need money to survive.

An opportunity presented itself, and I jumped right on it…waited…got a return email…needed to take an online test…did not have a computer that allowed what they needed…borrowed one…took the test…did ok I guess, as I got a return email to go forward. By this time the computer I borrowed was no longer here…tried on my small computer…could not finish, because of said computer…needless to say…got another email stating…they were looking elsewhere for the right fit.

Ok…Onward and upward…thats all I can say.  I will not give up…not on my children…not in my job search…and most definitely, Not in my Recovery!!!

Thanks for Hearing! (sorry not pictures today)

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

De-Stressing

Today…I’m pretty much just winging it.  Had no real plan for a blog post, it just came to me as I was doing my thing, and trying to De-Stress.  I just thought I’d share a couple of the ways I calm myself down.

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The above image tells it all…I’m using it because that represents Cooking for me.  I love to cook, bake, just about anything culinary.  And when I’m stressed, I cook.

I also love to Read, Knit, Crochet, do all manner of crafty things…

Just a few items from my pile of things I've knit and crocheted in the past week...need to have a craft sale.

Just a few items from my pile of things I’ve knit and crocheted in the past week…need to have a craft sale.

wpid-screenshot_2015-10-13-09-43-49_1.jpg Love to read!

Of course a cup of coffee or tea can’t hurt the process.

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My all time favorite…HUGS!!!

We can learn something from a bear hug.

We can learn something from a bear hug.

Hugs have been hard for me to do…even with my family…I know they would never hurt me, but my body did not want people too close.  I’ve come to be able to give and get hugs though…I’ve missed it, and doing it over and over, even when I don’t feel safe doing so (with the people I know love me that is), has helped…again…my Therapist was right!

But I can’t always get the last one (Hugs)…either my family and friends are not around when I could use one, or the people on the street won’t cooperate…Ha!Ha! Not only will they not cooperate…I usually don’t have the ability to go outside my cave. (due to PTSD)

Not going outside my four walls leaves the other things that I would like to do to de-stress, out of the picture…like…taking a walk, riding a bike, hiking, camping, or just sitting on the beach and watching the waves…

wpid-screenshot_2015-10-13-09-53-07_1.jpg   another thing that keeps me from doing this one is…I DON’T LIVE BY THE BEACH ANYMORE!   So sad for me, because the water was always so very soothing.  So I just have to put on meditation music, the ones that have waves in it, and let that be enough.   I was able to find a nice thing on Netflix, it was called Moving Art, and it was oceans…yeah!!!  Almost like being there…and I watch it while I am riding my stationary bike.

Well…we all do what we must to cope.

Now I know that the things I do, may not appeal to some of you, but I have found solace in writing this blog, and keeping a journal, along with trying to write down my experiences (some of those cause stress).

I like aroma-therapy, music, comedies, etc., and they all help for a while…but we all know…those of us living with any form of stress or P.T.S.D., that it is only a temporary fix…we all need to get the help we need to deal with the underlying problems, before our ways of coping…just don’t work anymore.

I’m putting an image of something I found online about how to deal with stress…maybe some of it will help give you an idea on what to do in your life to keep the stress bug away.

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My suggestion…just do the things that make you happy!!!

I hope my little tidbits can help someone, or give someone an idea on how to de-stress in your daily life.

Thanks again for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

STRUGGLING!

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That word can mean so many things. From Struggling with your first steps, words, feelings, when you are small, to growing up and struggling with peers, fitting in, homework, making the grade, getting into a good college…or getting in to one at all.

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Then there is the struggle with world Hunger, racism, Political Unrest, Homelessness, Mental Health, Body Image, Phobias, Fears, Money Issues…

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In general… Everyone, Everywhere has some kind of tightrope to walk each day, and as the saying goes…”You cannot judge someone, until you have walked a mile in their shoes.”  That is so true, because the tightrope you are walking, and the tightrope I’m walking, and the tightrope others are walking, are not just real, but the fall can be as damaging to me as it can be for you.

Found this picture at vividlife.me

Found this picture at vividlife.me

I know I have been guilty of making statements like….. “If they want to know what problems are, I’ll show them problems.”…or… “What do they know of trouble, they should have my life?”…. and the big one…”They deserve it, they brought it on themselves.”

Why is it then, that when we hear statements like that, we are quick to get upset at those who made them, but cannot even recognize when we do it ourselves? We all face our individual demons in life.

Such a Powerful picture...I found it on thedistinctdot.com...and to me it can mean so many things...our struggles with body image, our trapped deamons, our reaching out to others....everyone can see here what they need to see.

Such a Powerful picture…I found it on thedistinctdot.com…and to me it can mean so many things…our struggles with body image, our trapped demons, our reaching out to others….everyone can see here what they need to see.

I sit here struggling with a Mental Health issue, and I see things posted on Facebook and other social media, that condemns problems like I face, and Millions of others in the world face much of the same.  Then I recoil, and retreat back into my little cave of a world, where I feel safe, and don’t have to hear or read anything that makes me feel smaller than I already feel.

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I know there are many out there who share those same feelings…maybe not for the same reasons…someone may be shrinking back from the crowd because of low self-esteem, some from peer pressure, some from racism, others still from any number of Phobias, fears, etc.

We need to stop Judging others, and thinking that because they are Bigger or Smaller, Thinner or Thicker, Black or White, Christian or Muslim, Poor or Wealthy, Outgoing or introverted…that they need to somehow be fixed by us… We can help in healing IF THEY NEED IT(why do we think that people need to be fixed if they are different…they will ask for help if they need it, or they may not be ready for help if they do need it.), but we are wrong to Judge them, and persecute them because of what they wear or the way that they think.

Take the time to WALK IN THEIR SHOES…and I don’t mean to just think about it for a few seconds…Really take the time to get to know about the things you are unfamiliar with…because it is in Not Knowing that we make the mistake of Judging.

If you really knew my problems, or If I really knew yours, we would be less likely to do and say things that are hurtful, and or harmful to others.

I struggled today to get out of bed, and go about my day…then I think…there are some out there who don’t even have a place to lay their head.  It was only then, when I thought about others that I was able to get myself out of my cave…but I don’t want to be judged as to why I need my cave in the first place.

 No one wants to be judged unfairly…NO ONE!  We all need to understand that each of our struggles are very real and very debilitating, in our individual realities…Then we need to show a little more compassion when looking at others….maybe that is when our own struggles, won’t be as hard to handle.

Thanks for Hearing!

Bea Heard

IT’S FINALLY TIME!!!

I know I have taken a break from writing…Silly, you say, as I have just recently started this Blog.

What… was I too exhausted from writing posts…the 4 or 5 I have posted (the mind is already forgetting)… or could it be that I am just afraid?  Yes you heard…that Fear of moving forward, of getting into things that have been hidden, or pushed down into a place that I do not know if I want to re-live.

Afraid to Move Forward, to Go Further!!!

I started this Blog, as I said, to be Heard…so why then do I continue to discuss, fun, innocent things?  When my intention was to delve deeper…Thus the warning to my readers, that this Blog was not for children, and Many people may not like the content.

I do though, want to write about everything I have inside, and some of that, though hidden from sight most of the time, is fun and innocent…though my innocence is long past!

I have been told by a number of people, that “I Need To Write My Story.”  I guess that they think I have a lot to offer on a certain subject.  But I, for one, think that there are Many more out there, going through similar situations, that have much more to offer, and could do it better.

But…I do want and Need to heal…and I know (from years of counseling) that I cannot Move Forward…without confronting the past…as hard as that may be to do!

Thus my need for this Blog…A way for me to be Heard, Move Forward, Get it out, and do it in a way that will be relatively safe, without giving away my identity…Those of you in similar situations, will fully understand the need to keep yourself silent to those who would do you harm!

So…….Finally…..Let me get a little brave, and show you a picture of my little world…Most of it anyway…this is where I spend most of my days…this is my view….

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There you have it….My view of the world!

That and the 4 walls I hide behind.  I sometimes get a view of the side of the house, from the outside, or the front porch, but usually in the Late, Late evening….well…Night…as most people are asleep…or the Wee hours of the morning, before the sun rises, and People wake for their days.  I get to see this, to water the plants I have in pots…None of which, are much further that a couple of steps from my Open door (It is locked most often)… open, so I am allowed to run back in, at the first sign of life.

True…I don’t go out much, not without the help of a little Valium.  All a symptom of….ok, I’m going to say it….Past Abuse.  There, it is out…my counselor should be proud of me, as I don’t say it much!

Some Doctors have called it PTSD, Others Agoraphobia, Depression, and others ALL Three! I say JUST PLAIN CRAZY!!!

Any way you slice it…I’m stuck…Stuck in my little world, with baggage no one should have to carry…least of all my Family and Friends…But they trudge along, like troopers, and deal with my baggage….I don’t deserve them!!!  They all care so much and deserve a better Me, to give to them!

This is very hard to deal with, not only myself, but as I said, my Family and Friends.  I feel so very Guilty for putting them through all they have had to go through with me.  I don’t think that feeling will ever go away…or the hurt I see in them.

I know this….I want to react one way….and my Body takes over and does whatever it pleases!!!

I have had Many, Many counseling sessions, and I have a Very Supportive group of Family and Friends, and you would think that I could just “Let it Go”, but that is Much Easier said than Done, as some of you may well know!!!

I truly envy those who have been through similar situations, and can still Brave it all and go out there Fear and All, still functioning, and contributing to society…Making it all look so easy.  And I know that it is not easy for them…I know that it is a daily struggle, just to wake up and put their clothes on…They still do it!   I Admire them!!!

So Why then, can’t I do the same?

Seeing others function like that, makes me feel like a failure…I have spoken at length about this with my counselor, who tries to comfort me by saying…” People handle things in different ways, and in different times…the mind lets you do what will keep you safe, and allows you to do things when you are ready.”

Well…Thats nice…..but…I want it to be different…I want to change….I want to be one of those people who actually goes out there every day, facing their fears, I don’t want to be one of the ones, stuck inside a place, afraid to answer the phone or the door, and sometimes not able to even open the blinds, and seeing the world from a limited view.  I WANT TO CHANGE!!!

My counselor said one of the ways to face things, would be to write about them….he is not a fan of the Blog, as he feels that it may cause me more harm than good…he said that not all people will give feedback that will be helpful.  I say, I’ve already been through Hell and back, so comments from people I don’t even know, and who don’t even know who I really am, somehow does not scare me.  Funny, Giving away all my deepest thoughts, feelings, and experiences to total strangers, does not scare me…but a Hug from a Family Member, who I know will never hurt me, does!!!!  Something is amiss, and I intend to fix it!

I understand this is going to, and has been a difficult process, because I don’t want to go back to my dark places, I don’t want to re-live the horrors of my past, I don’t want to go to places, I have pushed so far down, they are going to be hard to dig up…but I also know, that what I am doing now….is not getting me any further.

I am now willing to try anything, even if it is a Blog, pouring out my Heart and Soul to perfect strangers….Who knows, Maybe I will be able to help someone in the process, maybe I can even help myself!  We will see.

I hope what I have to say, will help, and I hope nothing hurts anyone in any way…that is not my intention.  I will be telling you my experiences, I will let you know what did and did not work for me….THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT IT WILL BE THE SAME FOR YOU AND YOUR SITUATION, AND WHAT WORKS FOR ME, MAY OR MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU…WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS IN “NO WAY” LEGAL ADVICE….I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY, NOR AM I A COUNSELOR!!!!

This is just my experiences, my situations…feel free to share yours, and I will try to post some of them…Be kind to each other..no matter who you are in life, where you are in life…we can all use a kind word or two, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent and not be condemned for….so take this journey with me (or not).

Remember, what works for me, or what works for you, may not work for everyone…you are the only one who truly knows what will work, or how much you can or cannot handle.  The most important part is that you keep yourself SAFE!

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART IS BEING AND STAYING SAFE!!!!  No matter what…If that means getting help, do that. If that means staying where you are and waiting for a plan to take shape, do that.  If it means just reading this blog, maybe sharing your experiences, do that too…but stay Safe…Only you know what that is!

Whatever it is….do something….Like me, Finally…. Because the views from the pictures above, along with the ones you may be seeing from your windows….are NOT the only ones we deserve!!!

I for one…am going to try very hard from this point on….to change….I deserve it, My Family and Friends deserve it, and SO DO YOU!!!!!

Have a Great Day!

Thanks for Hearing!

Yours Truly;

Bea Heard