Almost Four Months Passed

Well, as the title said, it’s almost been four months since my last blog post.  So much has gone on, and I got a message today, that I have been on WordPress for one year.

I feel I have let all of my followers down, as I have not posted in such a long time.  I’m truly sorry.

So much has gone on…some good some bad, as in most everyones life.  My Oldest got married, and I was truly busy with all that.  It was a beautiful wedding, and they are the ones to get all the praise, as they did everything themselves…I made the cake (another story for another day), and gave a shower to my now new daughter, but other than that, I was just along for the ride…and it was amazing.

It did get me out of my cave more than I really wanted, and it was not without hiccups. I did have a few flashbacks, and was glad they did not happen during the most important times of their wedding…I also had a few brothers who looked out for me, and recognized the signs…took me out, and calmed me down.

I should preface this all with the fact that I have not had Meds for almost 8 months now, nor have I been to a counselor or doctor in that time, because I lost some insurance and cannot pay for things on my own…so…the flashbacks, etc., happen more frequently, and me going out of the house is more terrifying than usual.  So all the things I did during that time are a bit of a blur.  I’m so happy that there are pictures to remind me, and that I did not ruin their day!

I gained not only a daughter, but a granddaughter as well…a beautiful, kind, loving soul, who brings joy into my life, in more ways than I can count.

We have also had other weddings in the family (and extended family), that got me out of the cave as well..again…not without hiccups…and I am still recovering from it all, but happy to say, it’s getting better day by day.

On the down side…we almost lost a place to live (myself and the other two children living with me), but thanks to God and the wonderful people in my life, we were able to work that out.  My children lost their jobs, which put them into a depression, as they had a hard time finding another one…Happy to announce, one is back to work, the other has a new prospect…God Willing, someone will hire soon.

I am hoping to get back into the swing of things very soon.  I cannot believe how hard it is living with P.T.S.D., and the effects….just when you think you have it under control…something else rears it’s ugly head to stomp you down…But…I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!

So, Thank you for following, reading, listening, I am happy to have been part of this forum for 1 year, and hope to be more diligent throughout the next one.

Sorry there are not any pictures for this post…The camera portion of my tablet is not working properly. I am currently working on a solution to that problem.

Thanks so much for Hearing!

Have a Great Day!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

THANKFUL REFLECTIONS

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Since November is in full swing and it is the month for being thankful for all that we have…I decided to reflect on childhood memories.

I have so many wonderful memories of childhood celebrations.  My Mom is the one to thank for that.  This time of year brings back memories galore.  The holidays were made magical for me and my siblings.  My Mom could make something out of virtually nothing, and I am very Grateful to her for that.

Our Holidays started in October with Halloween… wpid-fb_img_1444514303926.jpg

Where she would decorate the house inside and out…we would get to carve pumpkins…make goodies (we could make treats to give out to those trick-or treating, at that time) and we sometimes had Halloween parties with the entire family…but we would all dress up…even if you were too old to go trick-or-treating…just dressing up to hand out candy or going to school was fun.

Then on to Thanksgiving…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-42-59.jpg   I remember the house filled with all kinds of yummy smells…it was nice to come home from school or just playing and smell baked bread, cookies, pies, etc..  Sometimes she would be making things to give to others…teaching us that even when you don’t have much, giving was a great blessing.

I remember Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Cousins…all getting together to have a special Thanksgiving dinner.  Everyone would bring something to contribute and because the family was (and is) so big…we usually had to have it at a larger place than a house…church halls, Someones clubhouse, or just in a relatives house…even if it means more than one room.  I’m always thankful for being together with family!

After Thanksgiving comes Christmas…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-45-00_1_1.jpg Yes it was and is a special time for our family to celebrate the Birth of Jesus…but it was also made Magical because of all the other things that Christmas brings…My Mom would bring all the things from the Cedar Chest she had…and when we would come home…before even seeing the things she had put up…we could smell the cedar and know that it was Christmas time…There were many things she would set up…The tree of course, but much more…elves in the tree…a Winter village on top of the cedar chest…figurines around…the Nativity all lit up…and the smells…oh the wonderful smell of Christmas time.  Mom made candy…big event at our house.  This was not for us to eat…though we did get a nibble or two…but to give to others as gifts…along with cookies…breads…etc., and of course Santa…always remembering that the gifts he brought represented those given to the Christ Child so long ago.

After that…New Years…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-45-57_1.jpg  What a day that was…We actually got to stay up past midnight…WOW!!!!  Sometimes we made it and other times some of us did not…it was always fun though…we would play games, listen to music (some of which Dad did not relish), and sometimes we would get together with family and friends and it was a big party!!  Like almost everyone in the country on New Years Eve…we would watch the Ball Drop on T.V., With Dick Clark! Then on New Years Day…we would eat leftovers from the night before…along with others freshly made and watch the football games together…so much fun to be had!

Now that is not the end of our holiday season…no…February came with cupid, hearts, flowers, etc…..wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-46-39_1.jpg  and in our home Valentines was not just for Lovers…but a time to celebrate all those you loved.  We would make Cookies…oh those yummy cookies with icing and your name in the middle of the heart.   Mom would also make those cookies…tons of them…because we had a huge family.  She made them so we could give them for our valentines at school (again…when we could do things like that in school)  So we had a list of all the classmates…their names spelled correctly…and we would ice the cookies…Mom would write their names…we placed it on a paper Heart doily with a bit of icing…and then on cookie sheets…We could not wait to get to school to give out our valentines.

Then on Valentines evening…we would take the cookies we made for family and friends on special plates…drive to their houses…and leave the cookies on their doors…Knock or ring the bell…and run like the wind…so they could not see who brought them (like the did not know).  That was so much fun…the anticipation of going to the door and not getting caught…fun!!!

Now comes March…St. Patrick’s Day!!!  wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-47-37_1.jpg  Mom would make sure that we all had something green on BEFORE, we went to bed the night before…so our siblings would not get to pinch us if they found us without green on (I have green eyes,I was always safe).  In the morning, the smell memories again.  This time coconut…yes you heard…coconut.  But what does coconut have to do with St. Patrick’s Day, you ask?  Let me explain…Mom would make green pancakes shaped like shamrocks, and green syrup…since maple syrup did not look good in green, she made coconut syrup and it was yummy!!!!  What a fun thing to look forward to each year.  Then we would have a traditional St. Patrick’s dinner later that day…something to look forward to.

Now you would think that was the end…but no…another month to celebrate came next.  Easter… wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-48-25_1.jpg  And though this was the end of our Holiday Season…It was…as it should be…a New Beginning.  We would always go to church to celebrate the risen Christ.  The family would celebrate Easter with a Large Family Party (still going on to this day)..we would go…then to Grandmas house…everyone would bring something to eat…we would have an easter egg hunt…Egg shaped cookies were made with our names on them (like the valentine ones) we had nests made of puffed wheat cereal and they were filled with treats…but more than anything else…we were with Family.

Now of course there were other holidays…The 4th of July, Memorial day, Veterans day, etc…throughout the other times of year…Any excuse to get together for a BBQ!

But whenever I think of the Holiday Season…I think of seven months of Magic…Thanks Mom!!!!

I always wanted to be like our Mom…Sadly, she is one of a kind.  Though I do follow through with many of the traditions (as do my siblings) I have not been able to duplicate for my children, the Magic I had.

Part of the reason is, that I made a choice in a partner I thought was the man I had been waiting for my entire life…one I could carry out traditions with for my own young family. But he was not what he seemed to be…so instead, I gave my children a life of abusive memories…ones I thought I had shielded them from, only to find out they suffered it as well.  But that is all I will say on that subject for now.

I was able to give my  children some of my Moms wonderful traditions…and they do remember them and look forward to them each year.

I’m Grateful to have these Memories and Traditions.  They meant so much to me then…and even more to me now!

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving season!

Thanks again for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

A Chill Setting In

The title of my post today denotes my figurative and literal feelings at this moment, let me explain….

In the literal sense…it is COLD outside…finally some of the still green leaves will lend a bit of color to my outdoor scene, before winter snow begins…I miss seeing the brilliant autumn colors of the eastern United States.

Some of the trees have a bit of color...but for the most part they are still green.

Some of the trees have a bit of color…but for the most part they are still green.

In the figurative sense…a chill set in thinking about the fact that I need to somehow venture outside these four walls of my P.T.S.D. cave to do a little work before winter.

Droplets of water...after yesterday's rain...but not frozen...Yet!!!

Droplets of water…after yesterday’s rain…but not frozen…Yet!

I need to get the hummingbird in and change the dead flowers for some silk winter ones, so I can see something pretty from the window…maybe silk autumn leaves first.

Then I need to get the Hummingbird feeder from the tree, so it will not freeze and meet the same demise as last years model.

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Not to mention the terracotta planters…the biggest of which did not see the soil, nor what I intended to plant in it…and the smaller ones, though perfect for halloween…need to have the dead plants attended to…then they need to come in so they will not crack in the winter cold.  Hopefully next year I can venture out to plant something beautiful…or tasty!

Sadly never filled.

Sadly never filled.

Sadly neglected.

Sadly neglected.

Last but not least is the hose that needs to be brought in so it will not freeze and the two outdoor faucets that need protective coverings, allowing them not to get frozen, crack and flood the basement.

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All this…taking of pictures to show you my intended duties are what put the figurative chill in me…because just taking the pictures frazzled my nerves.

I love Minion sayings!

I love Minion sayings!

That is why I put the above minion picture in…fits me to a “T”!

Then I have been going through the MOUNDS…and I truly mean MOUNDS of knit and crochet items, piling up on my writing area and around my rooms in bags, boxes (sorry for the poor pictures…lighting not so good in the early morning when these were taken), etc..

wpid-p_20151030_074813_hdr.jpg  Piled High… wpid-p_20151030_074844_hdr.jpg and More

wpid-p_20151030_074858_hdr.jpg It keeps on going…wpid-p_20151030_074832_hdr.jpgand after all this, I found one thing I did not complete…now I’m wondering exactly what it could be…wpid-p_20151030_074721_hdr.jpg ?????

In going through all of them…and the storage spaces (for items gently used that cold be sold, i.e., games, cooking items etc.).  I was hoping to have a Yard Sale.

But…you know…that means…GOING INTO THE YARD…WITH PEOPLE THERE!

So…it has been put off, weekend after weekend, until now it is colder, almost Halloween, and I’m debating if a Yard/open house would work.

I need to do something, because I’d like my writing space back.  Not that I do not love writing at the kitchen table, where I get to see the outdoors, but it is nice to separate the two…(Yes my brother, you were right).

So…I will try to rally my children, who will hopefully feel generous enough to help me for a day or two…both in getting the things done outside that need accomplished before the freeze…and in the Yard/open house I need to have, both to clear my space and make a bit of money!

Now… to set a date and push through another round of fears.

With God and my Family…I know it can be done.

Wish me luck!

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The above one is a saying I saw and had to post (found on Pinterest)…to inspire me and hopefully someone else along the way!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Nice Visit From My Brother

I just had a wonderful visit from my Brother.  It was unexpected, and brightened my day.  He even brought this….

wpid-p_20151027_121823_hdr.jpg  Yea!!!!!!!!  He knows me so well…coffee fixes everything…well…almost!!!

He stopped by because he was on a break, and his work today took him close to my house.  He also brought pictures….from his camera, that I borrowed when my oldest proposed.  He even brought the thumb drive to download them for me…I’m so Blessed to have a Family like I do.  Everyone Loves and cares do much about each other.  We do, as all families, have our times when we don’t agree…but that is life. When it comes right down to it though, we would walk through fire for each other.

I thank God every day for my family and friends.  Without them, I would have never made it this far.

So this post was just to say Thanks to my brother and God!  My brother (and his son for putting the pictures on the thumb drive) for always calling, visiting, making me laugh when I least feel like doing so, for always being there.  And Thanks to God for bringing him into my life.

Thanks to all of you for reading and Hearing me!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

DESPAIR

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I know that I use a lot of definitions in my posts, and this one is no exception.  The meaning of despair is very clear…not only in the above definition, but in pictures that need no words.

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Despair is all-encompassing. When you are in the depths of despair, it can seem never-ending, almost as if you were drowning with no hope of being saved.

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I know how despair feels, yet today, it is not my despair I’m writing about.  I am seeing some of the ones I love going through their own struggles with despair, and it hurts much worse than my own.  I think it is because when I see it in them, and I can do nothing to ease the pain…I wish it could be me instead.

I have been through a sleepless night, and I want so much to take them in my arms and let them know it will be ok…as when they were children, and you could hold them and comfort them, and make it better.

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But these are not things that can be so easily taken away.  I want to help, but don’t know where to start.  It is a very helpless feeling…that in itself is a form of despair.

It is something I wish with all my heart I could fix.  I want to be their beacon, and bring them safely home.

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-22-11-35-45_1.jpg   but I also know that this is something they need to

fix mostly on their own.  I will though be there for them, and Pray for them, and hope that they will find their way out of the darkness.

I hope they know that I HEAR them!

Again, it is a time for this picture…Please do not get offended by it.  It is more for me than anyone else…I will pray that they know he is there for them too.

wpid-screenshot_2015-08-24-08-49-57_1.jpg  God…please deliver them from their pain!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

ENOUGH OF A REST— BACK TO WORK!

I believe I have had enough of a rest.  I did have to really push myself today, to get back into the swing of writing though.

It took one of my children coming in to say he had hurt his knee and that was enough to get me out of my cave and into the real world.  Funny how being a Mamma Bear works wonders on your mental state.  I, as  many of you, will do anything for your cubs.

This picture from upsplash.com and by Thomas Lefebvre

This picture from upsplash.com and by Thomas Lefebvre

So getting up, helping him, feeding him something, was just the right medicine today.

Baby steps they say….and I tend to agree, because, as this picture depicts….wpid-screenshot_2015-09-14-14-07-11_1.jpg they at this stage,  don’t take many steps…

You could say though that I am more like this Baby Slough who is taking a ride on Moms back…wpid-screenshot_2015-09-14-14-07-34_1.jpg

It seem I have a tendency to wait for a ride into life…just need to be pushed, as I have trouble pushing myself sometimes.

What I really want and Need is to be taking Adult steps… wpid-screenshot_2015-09-14-14-08-29_1.jpg  you would think I should be there at this point in my life…But… the setbacks that I have had are Great.  They have taken their toll on me.  So as many of you suffering after abuse well know…it is difficult to see the world the way you did before.  I know that I am not the only one who feels this, and I see others who have suffered the same, if not more, being much more productive than I am.

But I also have come to realize that we all handle things different, and we all have suffered Great setbacks, and we are all doing the best we can at this point.

I WANT TO DO MORE…Thus this blog, and pushing myself to do things that I would not normally do.   Yes, at times I need a push, a reminder, etc., but I want it bad enough to keep going.

I’m putting this quote as a reminder to myself, and maybe it will inspire others.  I found it on Pinterest, not sure who put it there, or I would give them credit.

From Pinterest...not sure who the author is.

From Pinterest…not sure who the author is.

Thanks also to http://www.Upsplash.com for the ability to find more photos…the others were from them.  It is a Great site..where you can share photos, and use photos from others who join the site.

Everyone keep your heads up…keep fighting…keep believing, and we will all make it through together, and with the continued Grace of God!

So….with that….Enough of a rest….Lets get Back to Work!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard