Almost Four Months Passed

Well, as the title said, it’s almost been four months since my last blog post.  So much has gone on, and I got a message today, that I have been on WordPress for one year.

I feel I have let all of my followers down, as I have not posted in such a long time.  I’m truly sorry.

So much has gone on…some good some bad, as in most everyones life.  My Oldest got married, and I was truly busy with all that.  It was a beautiful wedding, and they are the ones to get all the praise, as they did everything themselves…I made the cake (another story for another day), and gave a shower to my now new daughter, but other than that, I was just along for the ride…and it was amazing.

It did get me out of my cave more than I really wanted, and it was not without hiccups. I did have a few flashbacks, and was glad they did not happen during the most important times of their wedding…I also had a few brothers who looked out for me, and recognized the signs…took me out, and calmed me down.

I should preface this all with the fact that I have not had Meds for almost 8 months now, nor have I been to a counselor or doctor in that time, because I lost some insurance and cannot pay for things on my own…so…the flashbacks, etc., happen more frequently, and me going out of the house is more terrifying than usual.  So all the things I did during that time are a bit of a blur.  I’m so happy that there are pictures to remind me, and that I did not ruin their day!

I gained not only a daughter, but a granddaughter as well…a beautiful, kind, loving soul, who brings joy into my life, in more ways than I can count.

We have also had other weddings in the family (and extended family), that got me out of the cave as well..again…not without hiccups…and I am still recovering from it all, but happy to say, it’s getting better day by day.

On the down side…we almost lost a place to live (myself and the other two children living with me), but thanks to God and the wonderful people in my life, we were able to work that out.  My children lost their jobs, which put them into a depression, as they had a hard time finding another one…Happy to announce, one is back to work, the other has a new prospect…God Willing, someone will hire soon.

I am hoping to get back into the swing of things very soon.  I cannot believe how hard it is living with P.T.S.D., and the effects….just when you think you have it under control…something else rears it’s ugly head to stomp you down…But…I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!

So, Thank you for following, reading, listening, I am happy to have been part of this forum for 1 year, and hope to be more diligent throughout the next one.

Sorry there are not any pictures for this post…The camera portion of my tablet is not working properly. I am currently working on a solution to that problem.

Thanks so much for Hearing!

Have a Great Day!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

2016 is Drawing Near

With 2016 just around the bend, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on the past year.

I have done many things that I thought were out of my reach…pushed myself to do things that were impossible just a year ago.

I am proud of my accomplishments this year, and Grateful to many people…Those who have helped me, encouraged me, stood by me through thick and thin, especially to all of you who give me strength and keep me focused by reading my blog along with your kind words to help continue my forward momentum.

In 2016, I hope to delve deeper into the things that scare me, and continue to become stronger, so I can heal what has been torn and broken for a very long time.

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I know the road will not be an easy one…the things I need to overcome sometimes seem too high to reach, but I know with the help of God, Family and Friends (both old and new)…anything is possible.

I will keep posting, writing, along with pushing myself to new heights… Hopefully hearing, and helping others through my journey!

Thanks to all of you for hearing me…I love hearing you too, and hope we will be able to hear each other throughout the new year.

Good Luck to all in 2016 and God Bless!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

December View From My Window

This is it…My December view from the window….

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I the flowers are lovely.  They make me smile, and what little snow we have left from our first and only snow of the season, I think, makes a nice background.

Suffering with the P.T.S.D. as I do, it really helps to have something fun to look at, while I’m inside doing so many things.

My goal is to one day, get out there and decorate around the entire fence… baby steps.

I spoke about the nativity that my friends gave us so long ago, and how I put it up every year, first, without the baby Jesus…so, I thought I would take a picture or two, so you could see the wonderful gift for yourself.

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This is the picture of the Hand-Carved nativity…made from Olive Wood from the Holy Land!

The next picture needs a bit of a set-up…My youngest saw the nativity…as pictured above, and said…where is the night, and where are all the stars in the sky (he was not satisfied with the star at the top)?

Then he went to his room, came back with a dark blue ribbon he had saved, and some of the star tinsel from the small tree we had put in their room, he placed it carefully on top of the nativity….it has been there ever since…

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You may notice an ornament on the side…well that was my middle childs contribution to the nativity…it opens and you can put things into it…he said it was a gift for the Baby Jesus…like the wise men gave…so we put it on the side where the wise men are.

Now you know the full story of the Nativity in our house….it is such a special way to remember friends, past years, the children when they were young, and a way to do good deeds for others…all the while celebrating this wonderful season of Christ’s birth.

Let me know some of your traditions for whatever season you celebrate…I would love to hear you!

Thanks again for Hearing.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Just want to Thank everyone publically today, as it is Thanksgiving!  My Family, Friends, both old and new, and my blogging community.

I know this is not Thanksgiving, The celebration, for all of you out there, but every day can be a day of Thankfulness.

I am Grateful to God for providing so many things…Yes I have had many struggles, and am continuing to battle some, but I know God is there, and he has given me many people along the way to help me and mine through.

I am just hoping and praying that everyone out there has a warm, happy, joy-filled day, surrounded by people you Love!

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The above saying by Melody Beattie, I think sums it all up!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerly;

Bea Heard

Where Did That Come From?

I’m not adding many pictures today…the one above seemed to say it all for me.

This post, as it is titled, stems from an incident I had yesterday.

As most of you know…I was in a domestic violence relationship.  I have aquired severe P.T.S.D. as a result.   Flashbacks come less often than they used to, but when they come up…It drains me.

This one came from out of the blue…Not even sure, sitting here, what triggered it. Let me explain…

I’m having coffee, enjoying the sunny morning and knitting a baby shower gift.  It was a nice morning.  I wasn’t worried about anything, had no reason to be afraid, I was in a safe place.

The next thing I remember, I’m huddled in a corner of the living room, that quite frankly, I’m not sure how I fit into the space…and my 2 children were there.

They, again, as in past episodes, had fearful looks on their faces.  They were obviously trying to talk me back to reality.  I did not know what I did, said, or how I came to be there, but they explained…

They told me that they heard me yelling to call the police, and there was a lot of banging, and they heard me running from room to room.  So they ran upstairs and saw that I was alone…obviously in a flashback.

I thought one of my children was my abuser at one point, and ran to hide in the place I ended up when I became coherent.

I think the worst thing about living with the effects of life after abuse, for me, is the guilt of what I am putting my family through. They suffered through abuse as well, but are not having the flashbacks that I am having at this time.

I feel that they have suffered enough, and don’t deserve to have to live through my baggage as well.

I am trying hard to change how I handle things…it is a long slow process.

I will not give up, and I hope my family does not give up either.

Thanks for hearing, and Thanks to my children for their patience.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Baking Therapy

Baking things is one of my self-imposed Therapies…. It helps me to concentrate my thoughts into a single task.

I love kneading bread and shaping rolls/ loaves, and bread baskets.  wpid-100_2587.jpg  These are just a few of the items I Love to make…displayed in a bread basket…the basket is as much fun to make as it is to eat.

This time of year, I get to do more of it than I usually do, for more than one reason… at this time of year the baking warms the kitchen…and is great for the Holiday tables, along with gift giving.

I learned Baking Therapy from my Mom…and Grandmother (her Mom)… Mine would make bread for our meals…and all types…my Grandmother made the Best rolls (of which we have yet to duplicate)…and I remember one time when I was at her house…the smell of fresh-baked bread in the air.  She was punching down the bread and said with a smile…”I love that part…gets out all my frustrations,” and she was not light handed when she punched it down.  She was right…it is a great way to get out aggression and the warmth of the dough was helpful to her arthritis.

My Children Love fresh-baked bread, as a matter of fact…my oldest only likes it fresh from the oven…or a few hours old. He usually asks when he comes over and sees the bread…”How long ago did you make that?”   If I made it more than two hours past…he tends not to want any .  Don’t get me wrong…he will eat it if he really wants some…but he says he does not enjoy it as much…wants me to call him when I’m making it so he can get it fresh (spoiled Boy)!

I guess it is my Therapy, because if I am stressed, worried or having a hard time dealing with the struggles with my abusive past, it gives me a focus, and makes the house smell delicious, along with the memories of baking with my Mom and Grandma…it is an all around Stress-reducer.

So…if you are stressed…Try Baking…not only can you calm down…but you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor afterwards!

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Enjoy your Day!!!  Happy Baking and Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

THANKFUL REFLECTIONS

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Since November is in full swing and it is the month for being thankful for all that we have…I decided to reflect on childhood memories.

I have so many wonderful memories of childhood celebrations.  My Mom is the one to thank for that.  This time of year brings back memories galore.  The holidays were made magical for me and my siblings.  My Mom could make something out of virtually nothing, and I am very Grateful to her for that.

Our Holidays started in October with Halloween… wpid-fb_img_1444514303926.jpg

Where she would decorate the house inside and out…we would get to carve pumpkins…make goodies (we could make treats to give out to those trick-or treating, at that time) and we sometimes had Halloween parties with the entire family…but we would all dress up…even if you were too old to go trick-or-treating…just dressing up to hand out candy or going to school was fun.

Then on to Thanksgiving…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-42-59.jpg   I remember the house filled with all kinds of yummy smells…it was nice to come home from school or just playing and smell baked bread, cookies, pies, etc..  Sometimes she would be making things to give to others…teaching us that even when you don’t have much, giving was a great blessing.

I remember Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Cousins…all getting together to have a special Thanksgiving dinner.  Everyone would bring something to contribute and because the family was (and is) so big…we usually had to have it at a larger place than a house…church halls, Someones clubhouse, or just in a relatives house…even if it means more than one room.  I’m always thankful for being together with family!

After Thanksgiving comes Christmas…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-45-00_1_1.jpg Yes it was and is a special time for our family to celebrate the Birth of Jesus…but it was also made Magical because of all the other things that Christmas brings…My Mom would bring all the things from the Cedar Chest she had…and when we would come home…before even seeing the things she had put up…we could smell the cedar and know that it was Christmas time…There were many things she would set up…The tree of course, but much more…elves in the tree…a Winter village on top of the cedar chest…figurines around…the Nativity all lit up…and the smells…oh the wonderful smell of Christmas time.  Mom made candy…big event at our house.  This was not for us to eat…though we did get a nibble or two…but to give to others as gifts…along with cookies…breads…etc., and of course Santa…always remembering that the gifts he brought represented those given to the Christ Child so long ago.

After that…New Years…wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-45-57_1.jpg  What a day that was…We actually got to stay up past midnight…WOW!!!!  Sometimes we made it and other times some of us did not…it was always fun though…we would play games, listen to music (some of which Dad did not relish), and sometimes we would get together with family and friends and it was a big party!!  Like almost everyone in the country on New Years Eve…we would watch the Ball Drop on T.V., With Dick Clark! Then on New Years Day…we would eat leftovers from the night before…along with others freshly made and watch the football games together…so much fun to be had!

Now that is not the end of our holiday season…no…February came with cupid, hearts, flowers, etc…..wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-46-39_1.jpg  and in our home Valentines was not just for Lovers…but a time to celebrate all those you loved.  We would make Cookies…oh those yummy cookies with icing and your name in the middle of the heart.   Mom would also make those cookies…tons of them…because we had a huge family.  She made them so we could give them for our valentines at school (again…when we could do things like that in school)  So we had a list of all the classmates…their names spelled correctly…and we would ice the cookies…Mom would write their names…we placed it on a paper Heart doily with a bit of icing…and then on cookie sheets…We could not wait to get to school to give out our valentines.

Then on Valentines evening…we would take the cookies we made for family and friends on special plates…drive to their houses…and leave the cookies on their doors…Knock or ring the bell…and run like the wind…so they could not see who brought them (like the did not know).  That was so much fun…the anticipation of going to the door and not getting caught…fun!!!

Now comes March…St. Patrick’s Day!!!  wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-47-37_1.jpg  Mom would make sure that we all had something green on BEFORE, we went to bed the night before…so our siblings would not get to pinch us if they found us without green on (I have green eyes,I was always safe).  In the morning, the smell memories again.  This time coconut…yes you heard…coconut.  But what does coconut have to do with St. Patrick’s Day, you ask?  Let me explain…Mom would make green pancakes shaped like shamrocks, and green syrup…since maple syrup did not look good in green, she made coconut syrup and it was yummy!!!!  What a fun thing to look forward to each year.  Then we would have a traditional St. Patrick’s dinner later that day…something to look forward to.

Now you would think that was the end…but no…another month to celebrate came next.  Easter… wpid-screenshot_2015-11-11-08-48-25_1.jpg  And though this was the end of our Holiday Season…It was…as it should be…a New Beginning.  We would always go to church to celebrate the risen Christ.  The family would celebrate Easter with a Large Family Party (still going on to this day)..we would go…then to Grandmas house…everyone would bring something to eat…we would have an easter egg hunt…Egg shaped cookies were made with our names on them (like the valentine ones) we had nests made of puffed wheat cereal and they were filled with treats…but more than anything else…we were with Family.

Now of course there were other holidays…The 4th of July, Memorial day, Veterans day, etc…throughout the other times of year…Any excuse to get together for a BBQ!

But whenever I think of the Holiday Season…I think of seven months of Magic…Thanks Mom!!!!

I always wanted to be like our Mom…Sadly, she is one of a kind.  Though I do follow through with many of the traditions (as do my siblings) I have not been able to duplicate for my children, the Magic I had.

Part of the reason is, that I made a choice in a partner I thought was the man I had been waiting for my entire life…one I could carry out traditions with for my own young family. But he was not what he seemed to be…so instead, I gave my children a life of abusive memories…ones I thought I had shielded them from, only to find out they suffered it as well.  But that is all I will say on that subject for now.

I was able to give my  children some of my Moms wonderful traditions…and they do remember them and look forward to them each year.

I’m Grateful to have these Memories and Traditions.  They meant so much to me then…and even more to me now!

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving season!

Thanks again for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

A Chill Setting In

The title of my post today denotes my figurative and literal feelings at this moment, let me explain….

In the literal sense…it is COLD outside…finally some of the still green leaves will lend a bit of color to my outdoor scene, before winter snow begins…I miss seeing the brilliant autumn colors of the eastern United States.

Some of the trees have a bit of color...but for the most part they are still green.

Some of the trees have a bit of color…but for the most part they are still green.

In the figurative sense…a chill set in thinking about the fact that I need to somehow venture outside these four walls of my P.T.S.D. cave to do a little work before winter.

Droplets of water...after yesterday's rain...but not frozen...Yet!!!

Droplets of water…after yesterday’s rain…but not frozen…Yet!

I need to get the hummingbird in and change the dead flowers for some silk winter ones, so I can see something pretty from the window…maybe silk autumn leaves first.

Then I need to get the Hummingbird feeder from the tree, so it will not freeze and meet the same demise as last years model.

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Not to mention the terracotta planters…the biggest of which did not see the soil, nor what I intended to plant in it…and the smaller ones, though perfect for halloween…need to have the dead plants attended to…then they need to come in so they will not crack in the winter cold.  Hopefully next year I can venture out to plant something beautiful…or tasty!

Sadly never filled.

Sadly never filled.

Sadly neglected.

Sadly neglected.

Last but not least is the hose that needs to be brought in so it will not freeze and the two outdoor faucets that need protective coverings, allowing them not to get frozen, crack and flood the basement.

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All this…taking of pictures to show you my intended duties are what put the figurative chill in me…because just taking the pictures frazzled my nerves.

I love Minion sayings!

I love Minion sayings!

That is why I put the above minion picture in…fits me to a “T”!

Then I have been going through the MOUNDS…and I truly mean MOUNDS of knit and crochet items, piling up on my writing area and around my rooms in bags, boxes (sorry for the poor pictures…lighting not so good in the early morning when these were taken), etc..

wpid-p_20151030_074813_hdr.jpg  Piled High… wpid-p_20151030_074844_hdr.jpg and More

wpid-p_20151030_074858_hdr.jpg It keeps on going…wpid-p_20151030_074832_hdr.jpgand after all this, I found one thing I did not complete…now I’m wondering exactly what it could be…wpid-p_20151030_074721_hdr.jpg ?????

In going through all of them…and the storage spaces (for items gently used that cold be sold, i.e., games, cooking items etc.).  I was hoping to have a Yard Sale.

But…you know…that means…GOING INTO THE YARD…WITH PEOPLE THERE!

So…it has been put off, weekend after weekend, until now it is colder, almost Halloween, and I’m debating if a Yard/open house would work.

I need to do something, because I’d like my writing space back.  Not that I do not love writing at the kitchen table, where I get to see the outdoors, but it is nice to separate the two…(Yes my brother, you were right).

So…I will try to rally my children, who will hopefully feel generous enough to help me for a day or two…both in getting the things done outside that need accomplished before the freeze…and in the Yard/open house I need to have, both to clear my space and make a bit of money!

Now… to set a date and push through another round of fears.

With God and my Family…I know it can be done.

Wish me luck!

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The above one is a saying I saw and had to post (found on Pinterest)…to inspire me and hopefully someone else along the way!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Nice Visit From My Brother

I just had a wonderful visit from my Brother.  It was unexpected, and brightened my day.  He even brought this….

wpid-p_20151027_121823_hdr.jpg  Yea!!!!!!!!  He knows me so well…coffee fixes everything…well…almost!!!

He stopped by because he was on a break, and his work today took him close to my house.  He also brought pictures….from his camera, that I borrowed when my oldest proposed.  He even brought the thumb drive to download them for me…I’m so Blessed to have a Family like I do.  Everyone Loves and cares do much about each other.  We do, as all families, have our times when we don’t agree…but that is life. When it comes right down to it though, we would walk through fire for each other.

I thank God every day for my family and friends.  Without them, I would have never made it this far.

So this post was just to say Thanks to my brother and God!  My brother (and his son for putting the pictures on the thumb drive) for always calling, visiting, making me laugh when I least feel like doing so, for always being there.  And Thanks to God for bringing him into my life.

Thanks to all of you for reading and Hearing me!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

October 18th Celebration…Our Freedom Day!

HAPPY OCTOBER 18th

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That is what we say to each other in our family…every year on this day.  Why, you might ask?  Well, it is a special day to my children and myself because that is the day we were all Free of the Abuser in our life.

All the time and waiting for court cases to end, and waiting for the ability to move to be with family…the wait was over…that was the day we walked into the courthouse bound…and came out free!

Breaking free of the chain of Abuse!

Breaking free of the chain of Abuse!

During that day at court, our abuser (their Father) gave up his parental rights…he did so to gain a lighter sentence.  That day the Judge told my children that now I was their Mother and their Father…she joked that I could scold them in one room and then take them into another room and do it again.

I could not wipe the smile off their faces…nor did I want to…It had been a very, very long time since I had seen that level of happiness in them.

We decided to go to the store and get something special for dinner that night.  You know… I don’t even remember what we got for the meal, but I do know, my oldest saw some champagne glasses…since it was Autumn, the tops of the glasses were a gold color and the stems were clear.  It was mentioned that we should get them to celebrate…So we bought four of them, along with a bottle of Sparkling Cider ( could not have the real stuff until they grew up a lot more ), along with the food and headed home.

The Halloween in the corner takes 2nd place to our October 18th Celebration Glasses.

The Halloween in the corner takes 2nd place to our October 18th Celebration Glasses.

That night we shared a meal in the dining room, and toasted with our sparkling cider…then one of my children (don’t remember who at this time) said… “we should do this every year.”

And that is how our October 18th celebration came about…We have since celebrated it, and promised each other that no matter what or where we are on that date…we would come together, spend the day…just the four of us, and have a toast in those same glasses…then with care, we pack them up, place them in a box that is marked for the occasion and put the box carefully away on the shelf until the next year.

I just wanted to share with you the Love I feel for my children, they are the true Hero’s in our story…because they were so very courageous in coming forth with things that were so very hard.  I commend them for doing so…I could not do it for myself, I truly thought I had shielded them from the abuse, and that they were not enduring it…when I finally found out, because one of my Brave children came forward, I found the courage to do something about it.  I finally became the mother they needed. I finally opened my eyes, and realized that they had seen, heard, and endured, more than I was willing to admit.

So again I say…to my children…HAPPY OCTOBER 18th, and may we share many, many more together!   I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard