Almost Four Months Passed

Well, as the title said, it’s almost been four months since my last blog post.  So much has gone on, and I got a message today, that I have been on WordPress for one year.

I feel I have let all of my followers down, as I have not posted in such a long time.  I’m truly sorry.

So much has gone on…some good some bad, as in most everyones life.  My Oldest got married, and I was truly busy with all that.  It was a beautiful wedding, and they are the ones to get all the praise, as they did everything themselves…I made the cake (another story for another day), and gave a shower to my now new daughter, but other than that, I was just along for the ride…and it was amazing.

It did get me out of my cave more than I really wanted, and it was not without hiccups. I did have a few flashbacks, and was glad they did not happen during the most important times of their wedding…I also had a few brothers who looked out for me, and recognized the signs…took me out, and calmed me down.

I should preface this all with the fact that I have not had Meds for almost 8 months now, nor have I been to a counselor or doctor in that time, because I lost some insurance and cannot pay for things on my own…so…the flashbacks, etc., happen more frequently, and me going out of the house is more terrifying than usual.  So all the things I did during that time are a bit of a blur.  I’m so happy that there are pictures to remind me, and that I did not ruin their day!

I gained not only a daughter, but a granddaughter as well…a beautiful, kind, loving soul, who brings joy into my life, in more ways than I can count.

We have also had other weddings in the family (and extended family), that got me out of the cave as well..again…not without hiccups…and I am still recovering from it all, but happy to say, it’s getting better day by day.

On the down side…we almost lost a place to live (myself and the other two children living with me), but thanks to God and the wonderful people in my life, we were able to work that out.  My children lost their jobs, which put them into a depression, as they had a hard time finding another one…Happy to announce, one is back to work, the other has a new prospect…God Willing, someone will hire soon.

I am hoping to get back into the swing of things very soon.  I cannot believe how hard it is living with P.T.S.D., and the effects….just when you think you have it under control…something else rears it’s ugly head to stomp you down…But…I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!

So, Thank you for following, reading, listening, I am happy to have been part of this forum for 1 year, and hope to be more diligent throughout the next one.

Sorry there are not any pictures for this post…The camera portion of my tablet is not working properly. I am currently working on a solution to that problem.

Thanks so much for Hearing!

Have a Great Day!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

December View From My Window

This is it…My December view from the window….

p_20151204_084715.jpg

I the flowers are lovely.  They make me smile, and what little snow we have left from our first and only snow of the season, I think, makes a nice background.

Suffering with the P.T.S.D. as I do, it really helps to have something fun to look at, while I’m inside doing so many things.

My goal is to one day, get out there and decorate around the entire fence… baby steps.

I spoke about the nativity that my friends gave us so long ago, and how I put it up every year, first, without the baby Jesus…so, I thought I would take a picture or two, so you could see the wonderful gift for yourself.

p_20151204_083710.jpg

This is the picture of the Hand-Carved nativity…made from Olive Wood from the Holy Land!

The next picture needs a bit of a set-up…My youngest saw the nativity…as pictured above, and said…where is the night, and where are all the stars in the sky (he was not satisfied with the star at the top)?

Then he went to his room, came back with a dark blue ribbon he had saved, and some of the star tinsel from the small tree we had put in their room, he placed it carefully on top of the nativity….it has been there ever since…

p_20151204_084154.jpg

You may notice an ornament on the side…well that was my middle childs contribution to the nativity…it opens and you can put things into it…he said it was a gift for the Baby Jesus…like the wise men gave…so we put it on the side where the wise men are.

Now you know the full story of the Nativity in our house….it is such a special way to remember friends, past years, the children when they were young, and a way to do good deeds for others…all the while celebrating this wonderful season of Christ’s birth.

Let me know some of your traditions for whatever season you celebrate…I would love to hear you!

Thanks again for Hearing.

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Just want to Thank everyone publically today, as it is Thanksgiving!  My Family, Friends, both old and new, and my blogging community.

I know this is not Thanksgiving, The celebration, for all of you out there, but every day can be a day of Thankfulness.

I am Grateful to God for providing so many things…Yes I have had many struggles, and am continuing to battle some, but I know God is there, and he has given me many people along the way to help me and mine through.

I am just hoping and praying that everyone out there has a warm, happy, joy-filled day, surrounded by people you Love!

screenshot_2015-11-26-09-14-42.jpg

The above saying by Melody Beattie, I think sums it all up!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerly;

Bea Heard

A Chill Setting In

The title of my post today denotes my figurative and literal feelings at this moment, let me explain….

In the literal sense…it is COLD outside…finally some of the still green leaves will lend a bit of color to my outdoor scene, before winter snow begins…I miss seeing the brilliant autumn colors of the eastern United States.

Some of the trees have a bit of color...but for the most part they are still green.

Some of the trees have a bit of color…but for the most part they are still green.

In the figurative sense…a chill set in thinking about the fact that I need to somehow venture outside these four walls of my P.T.S.D. cave to do a little work before winter.

Droplets of water...after yesterday's rain...but not frozen...Yet!!!

Droplets of water…after yesterday’s rain…but not frozen…Yet!

I need to get the hummingbird in and change the dead flowers for some silk winter ones, so I can see something pretty from the window…maybe silk autumn leaves first.

Then I need to get the Hummingbird feeder from the tree, so it will not freeze and meet the same demise as last years model.

wpid-p_20151030_075146_hdr.jpg

Not to mention the terracotta planters…the biggest of which did not see the soil, nor what I intended to plant in it…and the smaller ones, though perfect for halloween…need to have the dead plants attended to…then they need to come in so they will not crack in the winter cold.  Hopefully next year I can venture out to plant something beautiful…or tasty!

Sadly never filled.

Sadly never filled.

Sadly neglected.

Sadly neglected.

Last but not least is the hose that needs to be brought in so it will not freeze and the two outdoor faucets that need protective coverings, allowing them not to get frozen, crack and flood the basement.

wpid-p_20151030_074944_hdr.jpg

All this…taking of pictures to show you my intended duties are what put the figurative chill in me…because just taking the pictures frazzled my nerves.

I love Minion sayings!

I love Minion sayings!

That is why I put the above minion picture in…fits me to a “T”!

Then I have been going through the MOUNDS…and I truly mean MOUNDS of knit and crochet items, piling up on my writing area and around my rooms in bags, boxes (sorry for the poor pictures…lighting not so good in the early morning when these were taken), etc..

wpid-p_20151030_074813_hdr.jpg  Piled High… wpid-p_20151030_074844_hdr.jpg and More

wpid-p_20151030_074858_hdr.jpg It keeps on going…wpid-p_20151030_074832_hdr.jpgand after all this, I found one thing I did not complete…now I’m wondering exactly what it could be…wpid-p_20151030_074721_hdr.jpg ?????

In going through all of them…and the storage spaces (for items gently used that cold be sold, i.e., games, cooking items etc.).  I was hoping to have a Yard Sale.

But…you know…that means…GOING INTO THE YARD…WITH PEOPLE THERE!

So…it has been put off, weekend after weekend, until now it is colder, almost Halloween, and I’m debating if a Yard/open house would work.

I need to do something, because I’d like my writing space back.  Not that I do not love writing at the kitchen table, where I get to see the outdoors, but it is nice to separate the two…(Yes my brother, you were right).

So…I will try to rally my children, who will hopefully feel generous enough to help me for a day or two…both in getting the things done outside that need accomplished before the freeze…and in the Yard/open house I need to have, both to clear my space and make a bit of money!

Now… to set a date and push through another round of fears.

With God and my Family…I know it can be done.

Wish me luck!

wpid-screenshot_2015-09-24-06-51-39_1.jpg

The above one is a saying I saw and had to post (found on Pinterest)…to inspire me and hopefully someone else along the way!

Thanks for Hearing!

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Quick Update…

Today, I felt that I would like to update you on our October 18th Celebration and a few other things.

We had a Great time together…Watched Fast and Furious 7, and made Pizza (I make the dough, they make their own pizza), and of course we had our toast.  Then my oldest stayed the night (nice!!!), and we were able to have a long overdue talk.

This past week has been a trying one (I know it is Wednesday, I mean since last Wednesday)… My youngest is 19 and likes to think showing no emotion and being strong all the time is how life should be lived, had something happen in my child’s upper neck, that at first I thought must be the way it was slept on. But alas..that was not it, because even when there was absolutely no movement…the pain would shoot at random.  Tried to set up a trip to the doctor…but that was a..No Go!  So it is still being dealt with…pain is intermittent.  It is hard to see your child in such pain, and be unable to do anything to make it better…As a Mom, we like to make things better.

My middle child is having a hard time with job and finances, and tries so hard to make everything work.  Just needs to calm down and relax a bit. Want to help, but don’t have the resources necessary!  Just trying to be supportive.

My oldest is making decisions that I wish I could change, but as a parent you can only give advice and step back, let them make their own decisions and be there to help them if they need you…Hard when they are no longer small enough to do for them.

So now to me.   I have been trying to find work to do in my home, but the options are so very limited.  P.T.S.D., and the way it is affecting me, is hard to deal with, especially when you need money to survive.

An opportunity presented itself, and I jumped right on it…waited…got a return email…needed to take an online test…did not have a computer that allowed what they needed…borrowed one…took the test…did ok I guess, as I got a return email to go forward. By this time the computer I borrowed was no longer here…tried on my small computer…could not finish, because of said computer…needless to say…got another email stating…they were looking elsewhere for the right fit.

Ok…Onward and upward…thats all I can say.  I will not give up…not on my children…not in my job search…and most definitely, Not in my Recovery!!!

Thanks for Hearing! (sorry not pictures today)

Sincerely;

Bea Heard

Children

I may not want Children or Teens for that matter, reading this Blog.  Only because I know that some of the content, may become inappropriate for them.

But today, I want to talk about children.  I do this because in my own life, I am asking some questions.  I know we as parents, are not responsible for all of the decisions our children make.  I know this because, I did not blame my parents for decisions I made, that may not have been the best decisions of my life, and because of that knowledge, I know we are not responsible for the bad decisions our children make in their lives…..

Why then do I FEEL responsible?  Is it because from the time they were born, and even before, we wondered if they were going to be ok, and are we doing our best for them?  I know that I worried about every little thing, and still do.

From the time they were conceived, I wondered if I was doing the right thing…am I eating the right things, so they can grow properly?  Am I getting enough excersize….and so on!

Then they are born…..wpid-screenshot_2015-05-28-06-41-18.jpg

Now you have a whole new set of worries….are they eating enough, is their poop the right color, are they breathing when you leave them in the crib, are they wet, do I produce enough milk, do I have enough money to support them, do they know I Love them…and so on again!

You make it through the first few months, and they are fine, they begin rolling over, they start eating real food, they sit up on their own, and then……

wpid-screenshot_2015-05-28-06-34-23.jpg

They become young children…toddlers…curious about everything, and that brings an entirely new set of worries… Will they stick something in a light socket, will they fall and bump their heads, are they walking properly, when will that tooth come in, do they know how much I Love them…am I making the right decisions…do I go back to work, do I leave them in daycare, do I quit my job…etc., etc., etc.,!

Then……wpid-screenshot_2015-05-28-06-34-08.jpg  They become school age children, with another new set of worries…Will they like their teachers, will they get along with others, will they get hurt and I’m not there, will they be bullied, will they be a bully, am I teaching them right from wrong, am I teaching them good morals, are they being polite…do they know I Love them…etc., and so on!

And Then…

wpid-screenshot_2015-05-28-06-34-47.jpg  All of the sudden they are Pre-Teens…with an even bigger set of worries… Can I say the right things when I talk to them about their changing bodies, do I need to have the sex talk now, are they even interested in the opposite sex, can I like their music, do they want me to hug them in public, do they know how much I Love them, are they doing their homework, do they realize what life has in store for them, will they be able to get into a good college, will I be able to pay for college, do they have good friends…..and so on and so on!

Then again…..wpid-screenshot_2015-05-28-06-48-27.jpg  They grow into full fledged teenagers, with an even bigger set of worries…Do they Care how much I Love them, do they eat properly, are they getting along with others, are they being safe sexually, are they even ready for the problems being in a sexual relationship can cause, are they staying away from Alcohol and Drugs, do they know how the wrong decisions at this point, could effect the rest of their lives, are they posting appropriate material on the internet…do they know how all their decisions now can change what jobs they get, what college they get into, how others will treat them, do they feel LOVED, etc., and so on!

Then there comes the time when…wpid-screenshot_2015-05-28-06-47-18.jpg  They go out on their own…either to college, or just an apartment with friends…or living with that special someone, or getting ready to get married, and you say…..Do they know how much I Love them, will they have enough to live on, will they be able to support a family, will I have grandchildren, Did I Teach Them all they need to know to be Grown Up?

And there they are….doing what you did, and you are still worrying about them…It never stops…I know they don’t get that when they are young.  I never got it until I had children of my own, and that may never change in the circle of life, but I do Love my children, and I have always wanted what is best for them.  They will never stop being that little child I held in my arms, sang songs to, wiped their tears, changed their diapers, taught them to walk, talk, etc.,!

They will always be my Baby, no matter how old they get…and that is wonderful…and I still wonder…

Did I teach them right, Did I protect them enough, Did I protect them too much, DO THEY KNOW HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE THEM?

Have a Great Day!

Thanks for Hearing!